For many years, I had what appeared to be the perfect life. I was raised in a tight-knit family with loving parents and siblings. I had a perfect little family, complete with three amazing kids. I was living my dream of being a pastor’s wife–exactly what I always knew God had called me to!
Then, life happened. My marriage crumbled in a very public and agonizing manner. I found myself lost and alone, trying to figure out how to raise three impressionable young children on my own. I was in a position of vulnerability, and I didn’t like it!
Isaiah 43:18-19a: “But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?”
I had always been the “strong one,” the one others turned to in their time of need. Now, I was the one in need. I didn’t know how to be in need. I didn’t know how to ask for help when I needed it.
My faith seemed to be crumbling. I had chosen Christ at a very young age, and I honestly don’t remember life without Him at the center. But, He had failed me (or so I thought at the time). Aren’t we as Christians promised blessings when we walk in obedience? I had walked in obedience, so why was I experiencing this type of pain and sorrow?
If you have never experienced the betrayal of a spouse, it is a hurt like no other. I found myself staring in the mirror and beating myself up. “No wonder he doesn’t love me any more. Look at me. I am so ugly. I am not worthy of being loved. No one will ever love me.” The pain was unimaginable, and my self-esteem was gone. Fear was overwhelming. I can honestly say that there were days when the only thing that kept me going was when I would look into the faces of my children. They needed me, and I was not about to fail them.
I was so angry at God, and I decided to live life my way. After all, His way didn’t work out so well for me. I could have chosen a husband who would eventually betray me. I didn’t need God’s help to do that! This time around, I was going to live the way I wanted to live!
As I ran from God, I heard this voice calling in my spirit. It seemed that the angrier I got and the harder I ran, the louder the voice became. I was looking for security everywhere except in the only true source of security–Him. One day, I clearly heard Him say, “Dena, get your security from me.” He wanted to be the very thing that I needed the most!
And, He loved me! He was pursuing me! I was lost and alone and feeling so unloved, so unlovable, but the Creator of the Universe was relentlessly pursuing me! He was not going to let me go until I surrendered because His love for me is beyond my greatest imagination! Maybe I wasn’t completely unlovable after all!
I began to find ways to connect with God. As I surrendered to Him, I heard Him calling me to a new relationship with Him, a new ministry, a new thing. I informed Him many times that whatever He had for me better be really good if I was going to have to deal with this type of pain!
Although I am still not completely sure what the outcome of this journey will be, I can rest comfortably that I know where it leads–to the Great I AM. He has proven Himself completely faithful and trustworthy. He is my constant companion on this journey called life, and there is no one I’d rather share it with.
But, now I find myself compelled to share bits of my journey with you. I hope that in sharing my journey, you will find hope and encouragement. I pray that you will take your own journey to meet the Great I AM.