This is the day the LORD has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
What a day it has been! This morning as I turned on the news, I learned of the crash of a medical helicopter. I watched in horror as the pictures of the mangled and burned machine flashed across the television screen. As a nurse, my heart aches for the families of those paramedics who gave their lives in the line of duty. I did not know these selfless heroes, but I mourn with the city.
However, there was another aspect of this story that left me on edge and started my day off on the wrong path. You see, this amazing pilot managed to crash the helicopter in the parking lot of a nursing home, somehow avoiding many other potential fatalities since the crash occurred in the heart of the city. As I heard the location of the crash, a knife was stabbed in my heart. You see, this helicopter crashed in the very location where my husband used to meet his lover. They would sit in this very parking lot and do whatever they did. With each mention of the name of this nursing home, I felt myself bristle. The name was repeated more times than I care to count, and it was as if someone was picking at an old scab. Over and over they repeated the name. Pick. Pick. Pick. Pick. Pick.
It has been many months since I felt this old wound being picked at. I think the last time I found myself reliving that period in my life was when I had a chance encounter with the “other woman.” I thought I had put it all to rest, but I now realize that it will forever be a part of who I am. I know way too many details about the relationship, and occasionally an aspect of the relationship rears its ugly head. I come face-to-face with the memories of the heartache and pain. I must find a way to put it out of my mind and move forward. It gets easier every time, but I realize that the wound is still there.
I eventually turned from the news and continued to get the kids ready for school and head out the door for our day. The thoughts were still in my mind, but, after I dropped off the kids at school, something swept over me. There was a sense of peace, and I had an overwhelming desire to commune with my Heavenly Father. As I drove down the road, I poured out my heart to God. It was not a prayer of heartache or pain; instead it was a longing to be in the presence of my best friend. We drove down the road laughing and singing and talking about the future. I was full of hope and expectation and excitement about what He has planned!
I spent the day enjoying my daughter and her friend as a chaperone for their school field trip. We had a great day together! I then left my precious daughter with her sweet friend for a birthday party. As I drove toward home, I had a pervading joy that was simply inexplicable! I again felt myself ushered into God’s presence! As I tried to express my joy to God, I was at a loss for words. I simply could not express the peace, joy, and contentment that had overcome me! I found myself weeping openly and realizing that these were tears of gratitude. Who am I that the Sovereign, Omnipotent God of the Universe should lavish me with such amazing love?
When I embarked on this journey three and a half years ago, I told God that I would endure this pain—but He better make it worth it! As I look at who I am today and the sweetness of my relationship with God, I can definitely say that the peace I am enjoying has been worth every ounce of pain. I can’t point to any specific changes in my relationship with God. All I know is that there is an enjoyment of God that I’m not sure I have ever experienced in all my years of serving God. I don’t know that I have ever felt so loved by God.
I don’t know if it is all of the ways that God has provided for me financially. I don’t know if it is the way He has healed my broken heart. I don’t know if it is the way He has filled the voids of loneliness. I don’t know if it is the way I have seen my children grow and change. I don’t know if it is the peace I feel every day. I don’t know if it is the joy of hearing His voice on a regular basis. I don’t know if it is the promise of what my future holds.
But, I do know that it is my Savior, reaching down and loving His precious lamb. I do know that I am truly amazed at where I am today and where I have come from. I do know that I would live through it all again to experience the sweetness of a God who loves me unconditionally and pursues me relentlessly.
Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! Psalm 34:8