Single…And Hating It!
I am single…and hating it!
I’m sure there are many singles who would say they hate it. They would tell about the loneliness. They might tell you how they long to have someone with whom to share their hopes and dreams. Or, maybe they would talk about the longing for a companion, someone with whom they can share their hobbies. Maybe they miss the affection, having someone to curl up next to on a cold night and watch their favorite movie together.
While I miss all of those things, I have discovered that there’s one reason I hate being single:
I AM TOO STINKIN’ NICE!!
What does that have to do with hating the single life? A whole lot for me!
Some would say that being too nice is a sign of an approval addiction. There may be some truth to that, but honestly it goes a lot deeper. If there was one thing I could say that I did wrong in my marriage, it is probably that I was too nice. I allowed myself to be stepped on many times over. Being too nice in my marriage was an effort to be compassionate, understanding, and supportive. It was also a necessary tool to avoid angry outbursts.
When I think of myself, I know that God created me to be a helpmate. I thrive on coming alongside another and offering a word of encouragement. I am never happier than when I am serving others, reaching out and offering a helping hand. God created me with a very trusting nature and a laid back spirit that just doesn’t get bent out of shape too easily.
I have always tried to live by the saying, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything.” When my kids argue, I always remind them that we are to speak words of encouragement. If they say something ugly, I remind them that our words come from the overflow of our hearts—and I encourage them to ask what is flowing from their hearts. I am simply a firm believer in genuine kindness, compassion, love.
But, as a single, that can get me into some serious trouble.
Have you ever been to a singles get-together? The only ones I have attended are church-related, but I have to tell you that they felt more like a meat market. As the newbie, I found men immediately introducing themselves. I’ve seen small groups that seem to be more of a hook-up club than a place to nurture a relationship with Christ. While I long for God to bring along that special person, I find myself fleeing these situations. They just make me uncomfortable deep within my spirit.
Let me share a few of my single experiences.
Shortly after my divorce was finalized, I was asked out by a friend who was also recently divorced. I had come alongside him when he discovered his wife was cheating on him, and I began to simply offer a quick word of encouragement. I understood his pain, and I truly longed to share what I had learned in an effort to help him through the pain. My motives were pure, but I found myself developing an emotional attachment. We were both hurting too much to see what was happening.
I went out with this friend, and we enjoyed one another. Fortunately, I was strong enough to tell him that I wanted to maintain my purity. I am so thankful that I made that statement upfront, because I’m not sure I would have been able to tell him if I found myself in a compromising situation. To his credit, he walked away from me. I am very thankful that God saved me.
But, it wasn’t long before another man came along. This man seemed great on the surface—he knew all of the Christian lingo and was a great salesman. It didn’t take me long, however, to begin to question his sincerity. By the end of the first date, I had serious questions.
And that’s when things got scary. The next day, he came to the hospital where I worked and left a dozen roses and a gift card at my vehicle. He searched the parking lot until he found my car! The texts were incessant. He began to infiltrate every aspect of my life. He invited me out of town overnight. I tried to spurn every advance, but of course I couldn’t be rude or come right out and say, “Go away.”
One day, he told me that he had decided to dump the woman he had been seeing so he could pursue me. Whoa! Wait a minute! You are telling me—the woman whose marriage ended because of adultery—that you have been pursuing me WHILE DATING SOMEONE ELSE?!?! You just lumped yourself in the category of CHEATER, and I have NO NEED for you!
As if that wasn’t bad enough, he began to hang out around my house. One night, the kids and I were so freaked out that we left to stay with my parents—and called my brother-in-law (a sheriff’s deputy) to patrol by my house that night. Finally, I had had enough. I reluctantly, fearfully, with trembling hands, sent him a text and asked him to go away. Why did it take me so long? Why was I so upset about telling this stalker to go away? Because I am too stinkin’ nice!
As if one stalker wasn’t enough, I managed to get entangled with yet another. I was working as the charge nurse on the stroke floor of our hospital. Because we were short-staffed, we frequently had agency nurses filling holes in our schedule. One day, a male nurse was sent to our floor. I happened to walk in the med room during his personal phone conversation.
When he hung up, he exclaimed, “How do you like that? I pay for her to get her degree, and she runs off with a doctor!”
Bleeding heart…
Yep, you guessed it. My tough exterior melted, and I began to minister to this poor soul who was experiencing the same pain I had walked through. I began to offer words of hope and encouragement, and I began to tell my story and how God can get him through it. The next thing I knew, he seemed to be working the floor every time I was scheduled to work. When I put in my two weeks’ notice, he was there my final day. As we walked out to our cars at the end of a grueling 12-hour shift, he asked for my number. And I was too stinki’n nice to say no!
The text messages and phone calls began. One day, I was watching a movie with my kids and I had left my phone in the other room. After the movie, I retrieved my phone to find repeated messages from him. The final message said, “Well, it’s obvious you aren’t ready to be in any type of relationship.”
Now, this message really left me scratching my head. Somehow, I was not even aware I was in a relationship. He had my phone number, but we had never even seen each other outside of work. And, to my knowledge, he was still married! I later discovered that he had told the entire hospital that he was dating me!
I began to find myself looking around every corner, praying I wouldn’t meet him at the hospital. It was a game of duck and hide, see him and run the other direction. However, I never stepped up and simply said, “Go away!” After a few angry outbursts from him and my failure to respond, he eventually went away. But I never stepped up and told him to go away.
There are other hair-raising stories. There was the man who couldn’t send a text without a sexual innuendo. I finally got the courage to tell him that I didn’t find his attempts at humor the least bit funny. I am not an object to gratify his lusts, and I had no interest in someone like him.
There was the man that I went out with once only to have him interpret it as we were officially “dating.” He got mad when I was always busy. (Really? I am a single mom of three kids. I had two jobs at the time. Yes, I am always busy!)
Then there are the mamas…
If you are single, you probably know the mamas. “I need to introduce you to my son. I know he’s been married five times and has kids with two other women he’s never been married to, but they were all losers. You would be perfect for him!”
No thanks. But, before you know it, Johnny Boy has your phone number and is calling you.
And, I’m too stinkin’ nice to tell them I’m not interested.
I guess I’m just not cut out for the single life. My standards are so high that I find myself running from most men. There’s not an ounce of interest in them. Unless you have an unparalleled passion for the Savior, a burning desire to be a light to a dark world, an addiction to the things of God, don’t even bother trying to pursue me. I will be repulsed, uninterested. But, I probably won’t tell you to go away because I am too stinkin’ nice!
I am so thankful that God has honored my request that He not allow any man to come into my life unless it is the one He has for me forever and always. Yes, men—like the ones above— have come along, but I usually manage to avoid them until they go away. My stance on dating is that I’m not interested—until I know without a doubt that God has ordained this relationship to last until death do we part.
I was told about your site several months ago from a mutual friend. I don’t get over here much, but now and then when I’m reading and decide to stop by. This title caught me because I feel the same way. I had a similar end to my marriage after 18 years. It’s almost 6 years being divorced now. It’s not that I have a trust problem, I don’t. It does make me more cautious though. The “too nice” thing hit home too. Makes it hard to date, because I don’t mind me getting hurt, I just don’t want someone to like me and then get hurt because I didn’t feel the same. I’m sure there is some syndrome for that. 😉
I did finally let go though. It may be Gods will for me to remain single. That’s not what I want now, but he always has a way of changing us. If not, then she’ll will show up in my life exactly when she was meant too.
I thought your post was excellent. The only difference between us in the dating is I haven’t had any stalkers. I also realize it’s a lot harder for women to safely date than men.
You will be in my prayers tonight.
Thank you! I think I know who our mutual friend is! I worked with her!
I am learning that dating after adultery/divorce is tough. I know that God has someone for me–He has repeatedly assured me of that. I have been on an amazing journey of growing in my faith and learning to trust again. I believe that God doesn’t want me to trust man–He wants me to trust God in a man. That is why it is of such importance that I find a man who loves God above all else. I don’t want the extra baggage of heart break from dating, so I’ve chosen the path of simply waiting for God to reveal that one to me.
God has recently been revealing to me that He wants me to trust Him with my heart. While I thought I was, I have come to realize that I am still holding back. He is currently taking me through some of the hardest battles I have faced yet, battles that scare me to death and at the same time bring extreme excitement. I know that He is working something in me that will prepare me for the amazing future He has for me. He has told me that the time is near; I only have to trust Him to bring down the walls of my Jericho in His time.
Praying that God will give you your heart’s desire. And, thank you…for not being one of those stalkers! It really can be frightening!
Ha ha, I think your right about that friend. She is such a sweetheart too.
She is!
I think its a little ironic that you speak so poorly of church guys just trying to get to know you and then write 21 paragraphs about every other type of guy you’ve dated on your blog. I bet those guys you dismiss so easily at church dont have a blog post about dating. They are just hurting like you and want to find a Godly wife. Would you rather them be at some bar? I know some of the guys at church havent even been married and never experienced love like you once had. It sucks when you dont know any way to meet girls (or even have the skills) and then get criticized for putting yourself out there..which can be the most vulerable thing a guy could ever do. I think you should spend more time caring for those who are awkward at love around you than looking at the mirror and saying how too nice you are.
Im sure you are a nice person, but dating is like searching though a basket of laundry for the missing sock. The other clothes might not fit on your feet but are still useful.
I’m sorry that you are hurting–as it seems obvious to me that you are. I guarantee that if the right man approached me in the right way, I would be more than receptive. However, when I sense that the goal at a church event is to find someone, I will be turned off. Unfortunately, that has been my personal experience at most singles events. My goal for every moment of my life is to know God and follow His will–especially at church.
I was once asked what would be my idea of a perfect first date. My response was, “I hope that I am such good friends with the person that a first date doesn’t seem like a first date–just a continuation of a great friendship.” I have had my trust betrayed, and I am no longer quick to trust. I need someone who will take the time to get to know me without feeling like they want more than a friendship. I need someone who is satisfied in their single life, satisfied with nothing more than Jesus Christ. I need someone who isn’t looking for a woman, but is looking for God to bring the right one at the right time. For me, it is all about seeing a man so in love with and satisfied with Jesus that He doesn’t even see women as potential dates; he waits for God to reveal His will before ever pursuing me.
If there is a place that has wonderful singles events where the goal is to know Christ, build friendships, and then–if God leads–potentially find the right person, I would be right in the middle of it. I pray that God leads us both to that place!
I’m a guy here, just about to say the exact same thing as above. Thanks, man!
I must say, I really appreciate this woman’s commitment to purity, because that is something I’m passionate about too, but she is way off on so many things. As for myself, I love the idea of two people coming together with pure intentions and being devoted entirely to one another their whole lives; I’m attractive (have symmetrical features), am well built, write poetry, like heart-felt things, and am turned off by the world’s obsession with all that’s crass and cruel and violent, and yet -I guarantee you this woman, if I approached her, would turn me down…. because of oh, I don’t know….ANYTHING. This article bespeaks of yet another example of this strange kind of creature that is the effect of living in an extremely privileged, luxurious, and post feminist society, while yet trying to be ‘Christian’ within it. She has all the options in the world, therefore nothing but the best is acceptable.
But what if what God is offering you isn’t perfect?
Would you accept it? Probably not.
Do you think Abraham was perfect, never had a zit, never had a dirty thought?
Think about Uriah for example: this guy had such a beautiful woman that King David wanted her, a man with tons of women! Well, let’s think about this…if Uriah was smart enough to see how beautiful she was, don’t you think he probably thought A LOT of other women were beautiful too? Don’t you think he was probably making comparisons before he married her, and was probably like…well, Bathsheba is the hottest of all of them, I’ll go with her? Of course he did. And yet, he was more reliable and upstanding in some ways than David!
I go out and ask girls out all the time, get rejected all the time too…literally two girls rejected me last weekend! And you know what? It doesn’t feel good. Just like being single doesn’t feel good. But part of being a man is doing things that are hard, and any girl that isn’t willing to do something for love doesn’t really deserve it.
I hope she isn’t waiting around for someone to plop into her lap! My parents have been married for 45 years and you know what they were doing when they met each other? Looking for one another.
There are girls out there complaining they don’t ever get approached. I feel bad for them. This woman should be thankful! I’m sure she is looking for a message from God over every minute thing in her life, but I’m willing to venture a guess that this is what God is saying to her: you are looking for a perfect man, when you yourself aren’t perfect.
But have ye hope! There are men out there who are extremely sexually pure: there’s Origen for example, who castrated himself to be closer to God (I agree with his views on Universal Salvation) and then there’s St. Simeon, who lived on top of a pillar for thirty years and never came down (Probably never pursued a woman), and then there’s Aquinas who was offered Prostitutes by his father, but he turned them down.
I think what she is probably looking for (more honestly) is a King David type of guy, whose tough, muscular, bold, courageous, handsome, and guess what else he was…..not sexually impotent.
Let me start by saying that I am sorry you are hurting so deeply. It is obvious in your words that you have experienced deep wounds. I pray that God will bind up your wounds.
While I don’t like being single, I have learned to be content in this season of life. If I’m not content now, then I certainly won’t be content if God brings someone else along. I have chosen to take this time to let God heal my wounds, draw me closer to Him, and focus on becoming the woman I need to be–in preparation for the time when He sees fit to bring the right man along. And, He has clearly told me that the time is near.
I AM looking for a King David type–the one who is a man after God’s heart, the man who has had a Psalm 51 experience and has chosen to reject the mistakes of his past and walk forward into God’s plans. Physical appearance is of very little concern to me. I am looking for a heart. And, I can’t know that heart if you approach me and immediately ask me out. Take the time to get to know me, let me get to know you. Take the time to let me see your heart and build a friendship. Take the time to let me observe you around other people and see how you interact with others. Take the time to let me ask God if He might be willing to bless a relationship with you–because I DO pray about everything as I am commanded to do.
My heart has been betrayed in the deepest and most intimate way. You don’t recover quickly from that. You learn to be more cautious about giving away your heart. If you really care about me, you will give me the time and the space to feel comfortable letting the wall down.
I will add one more comment here: Just as you put yourself out there by asking women out, I have chosen to put myself out there by following God’s leading to start a blog and sharing my journey for all the world to see. You find rejection difficult, and yet you have chosen to pass judgment on me based on a very small piece of my life that I have chosen to share. You have taken my comments and assumed that you know me–or my type. The truth is, you don’t know me or my heart. You have simply chosen to take out your anger and disappointment on me. I am tough enough to handle it, but I pray that you find healing before you get into a relationship. Otherwise, it will be doomed.
I pray God gives you peace as you look for the one. I pray He gives you contentment in your singleness. I pray He blesses you with confidence. I pray that you focus on becoming the person that someone you are interested in would be attracted to.
Wow, I feel like you are writing about me! Lonely, so wanting that special someone to be there beside me BUT not willing to lower my boundaries and only want the true one that God has for me.
I’ve even prayed, “God, if you want me single the rest of my life, I’m ready”.
Thank you so much for your timely post and somewhat funny stories of being too nice. Had very similar experiences. Because of my ex walking out on us after 28 years of marriage, telling me he loved me and still sexually active with me, I am finding it hard to trust other men. So I’ll wait until God makes it clear to me that he’s that chosen one.
Prayers, Teresa
Oh, Teresa! How I wish I could tell you the rest of the story! One day soon–God has told me that the days are coming when His promises will be fulfilled! What I can say is that at the moment I humbled myself and began to pray, God heard from heaven and set into motion an amazing plan! (Daniel 9:23)
Interestingly, as I have wrestled with God recently about (what I perceive as) the delay, He has told me that I am not yet trusting Him with my whole heart! I thought I had surrendered. I thought I had let my walls down. I thought I was ready to trust God in that special man. But, apparently, He sees a place where I am not yet fully trusting. I encourage you to learn to trust God–not man. Man will fail you, but God will not. When He brings that special man, you will be able to trust God who is in the man.
Praying God’s best for you!