“Trust me with your heart.”
The words pierced my heart one recent morning as I was getting ready for work. I have become very familiar with the gentle voice of my Savior whispering directly to my soul, but I found myself baffled at His command.
“What do you mean, God?” I immediately began to pray back to Him. “I thought I was trusting you with my heart.”
I didn’t get an immediate answer, but I continued to pray over the next week or so. I was puzzled, not understanding His command to trust Him with my heart. I asked for clarity, asked Him where I was failing to trust Him with my heart.
Then, it happened. One morning, my heart was shattered. A promise I have been clinging to for over two years seemed to literally explode—all hope of it being fulfilled disintegrated.
God had been trying to prepare me for the hurt and the pain. He had been telling me that I had to trust Him with my heart—that things were about to get really tough. He was telling me that He was still holding my heart in His hands, still binding up the wounds of my broken heart.
Since that day, I have struggled to find my faith in God. I have contemplated everything He has told me in the last two years. Did I misinterpret His voice? No. I’ve never been more certain of anything He has told me. Did He lie to me about His plans? No. My God cannot lie. Is He able to do what He told me? Well, yes. At least He says He is able. Did I misinterpret the scriptures He gave me—repeatedly over the last two years? No. I know His voice. He has spoken to me.
As I mull over pages and pages of journals where I have poured out my heart to God, I clearly see His hand. I clearly see how He has led me to this place. I clearly see His plans, how they have unfolded with each passing day. I clearly see how He has been at work in every detail, even every heartache and pain.
I simply cannot deny that God has been at work in me and around me, speaking to me repeatedly, leading me down this path. I simply cannot deny that this promise is truly from God.
And then it hit me. I truly love God with my mind. He has a firm grip on my mind, and I have a very logical faith. I love my God with my strength, my body. I work hard to maintain my body as the temple of Christ, to keep it pure in every way I can.
But my heart…
My heart has been hurt. My heart has been betrayed. My heart has been trampled by the one person who promised to love me until death do we part. And, that one person was brought to my life by God. I married Him at God’s command. I once trusted God with my heart…and it didn’t work out so well.
I’m not sure I’ve actually come to grips with that truth. In the last few weeks, however, I’ve come to realize that I am still protecting my heart. While I’ve gown and healed in so many ways, while I’ve seen such amazing changes in my life and in my faith, I’m still holding onto my heart. I’m still protecting myself from being hurt. While I’m trusting and loving God with my mind, soul, and strength, I’m not fully loving and trusting Him with my heart.
Last night, as all of these revelations came flooding over me, I did it. I surrendered! I found myself down on my knees, crying out to God. I admitted that I still have a wall of protection around my heart, and I told Him I was ready to let it come down. I told Him that I was ready to trust Him with my heart. I told Him that my heart was His to mold and shape in any way that He sees fit. I offered my heart to Him on His altar.
Today, I woke up at peace for the first time in three weeks. Today, I have had incredible joy oozing out of my heart. Today, stress has been non-existent. Today, my faith in God has been at unprecedented highs. Today, I am trusting God with my mind and my heart.
As I learn to trust God with my heart, I find my confidence in Him soaring! I am ready to accept whatever journey He chooses for me, knowing that He has my best interest in mind. I find myself excited about the growth that I will experience as I walk through these difficult days. I understand that His plans and promises will be fulfilled, even when it seems as if all hope is gone.
I have quit begging and pleading with God, and I have chosen to praise and thank God for answered prayers, for fulfilled promises. I am choosing to believe that even though it seems impossible, He will do what He says He will do. I am choosing to walk by faith and not by sight.
I’ve been re-reading The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. He says that faith often seems like a denial of reality but it’s because we are holding on to a reality that is more real than what we can perceive with our five senses. That’s where I am. I am clinging to my God, to a promise He has made me, to His character. I am clinging to His promise throughout scripture that says His promises are always fulfilled. I am clinging to the words of my Savior.
God is all about resurrection. He raised Jesus from the dead. He raised Lazarus from the dead. He resurrects hopes and dreams each and every day. Is anything too difficult for my God? If God is really who I teach He is, then the answer is no. He is the God of the impossible. If He can resurrect men from the dead, then He can resurrect this promise. He will resurrect this promise.
And, in the process, He will build my faith. He will mold my heart. He will make me mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:2-5). He will show my children that His promises are never dead, and they will look back on this period of our lives as a reminder of the amazing things God can and will do when we walk by faith.
I am walking through some of the most difficult days I’ve ever seen—definitely ranking right up there with adultery and divorce. But, I will cling to my Savior. I will continue to believe that all of His promises are yes and amen (2 Corinthians 1:20). I will not lose hope.