Pain and suffering, parenting, Surviving Adultery and Divorce

The Hurting Child

Divorce hurts.

Divorce hurts everyone involved. I have spent the last two years talking about the pain I have experienced, about how I have come through the pain to find the joy of Christ. I have shared how God has redeemed my life, brought me back from the death of divorce and given me an abundant life. I have shared the excitement about my future—a future that God is preparing for me that will be far greater than anything I could ever ask or imagine.

But, I’ve spent very little time talking about the pain that divorce inflicts on children.

I think there are a number of reasons for not talking about the pain children experience. One, I don’t understand that pain. My parents have been married for 51 years. My grandparents were married for nearly 72 years. I have never experienced the pain of divorce as a child of divorce. Two, my kids have grown and become so much stronger through this experience. They are so much healthier and happier today than they were five years ago. I think because they are such amazing kids, I don’t always recognize the pain they still experience. Three, this blog is about what God has done in me through the trials and tribulations of this life. I don’t want to disparage my ex-husband. And, I certainly don’t want to share private struggles of my children and betray their trust.

Having said all of that, I have been contemplating the deep devastation that this divorce has had on my children. I know the scars are there. I know there are ongoing battles that they are fighting. I know that despite their happy exterior, they bear deep injuries that are just beginning to surface.

This weekend, I had the pleasure of visiting with a friend who now understands divorce from both angles: his parents divorced when he was 14, and he has recently gone through a divorce of his own. Listening to him talk about some of his struggles following his parents’ divorce really helped me understand what my kids are going through, the internal struggle that they battle each and every day. Some of these battles have been shared with me; some have been buried deep within my kids’ souls. But, even today—more than five years after the divorce—the battle rages on.

Each of my three kids is fighting the same battle, and yet it looks completely different for each child. Each one has chosen to wage this war and cope with the pain in a different way. Some of those coping methods are healthy; some are not.

I wish that I was one of the few that has been able to maintain a great, working relationship with my ex-spouse. Unfortunately, that is not my story. You see, I had to set some extreme boundaries years ago to protect myself mentally and emotionally. I reached a point where I knew that I could no longer subject myself to some of the unhealthy situations that continued even after the divorce. I drew a firm line, and continue to enforce the boundaries—an absolutely essential step for me to become healthy.

However, that firm line means that there is very little collaboration when it comes to the children. We live two very different, very separate lives in different parts of the state. And, it’s our children who are forced to constantly bounce between two vastly different worlds.

When parents divorce, children are torn between those two worlds. They have an intense desire to love and be loved by both parents. Ideally, both parents recognize this need and give the kids what they need. Ideally, both parents look at the situation and modify their expectations based upon what the kids need and want. Ideally, both parents are looking out for the best interests of the children regardless of what the court order decrees.

Realistically, that is not always the situation.

When one or both parents are selfishly looking out for their own interests instead of the interests of their children, resentment builds within the kids. They are placed in unhealthy situations. They lose their childhood.

There are some common themes that I see throughout my interactions with children of divorce. One is the overwhelming protective nature of the oldest boy when it comes to his mother. I have seen this nature in my oldest son. Only days after separating from my husband, my oldest looked me in the eye and said, “Well, I guess I’m the man of the house now.” The child was only ten years old! He had no business taking that burden upon himself, and yet that was exactly how he felt. Even now, he still battles with how to handle the situation because of his intense desire to protect me and his younger siblings. He feels responsible to be the protector of the family.

That desire to protect is innate to his character. It is an honorable trait, one that will take him far in this life. And yet, he is still a child. Balancing his protection of those around him with setting healthy boundaries for himself is an on-going struggle, one for which we have yet to find the delicate balance that is needed.

My middle child calls himself the “neglected middle child.” Although it is often said in a joking manner, I know that he truly feels that way at times. He seems to live in the shadow of his older brother. He is this passionate bundle of compassion with a heart the size of Texas. And yet, he struggles with self-confidence, struggles with figuring out who he is.

Over the years, I think he has tried to find comfort in various ways. He has stuffed his hurt deep down within his soul, tried to bury it. It has only been recently that he has begun to open up to me, to share the struggles that he has. It’s only recently that he has begun to tell me of the deep-seated hurt, the rejection that he often feels. It’s only been recently that he has begun to share with me the anger that is constantly bubbling below the surface.

And then there’s my angel. When I first separated, I noticed that she immediately began to gravitate toward men. Fortunately, I am blessed with some amazing men in my family who have gladly stepped in and provided that male father-figure for her. She is her Grandpa’s girl! And, despite the fact that she argues incessantly with her brothers, they are her heroes who would fight to the death for her.

She, too, struggles. She longs for the love and acceptance of a father in her life each and every day. She wants desperately to be Daddy’s little girl, to have a constant in her life who will be her protector and her prince charming. She wants a man to shower her with unconditional love and acceptance.

And, they are all fighting to accept that their childhood has a huge void, that it’s broken and incomplete.

I don’t have all the answers—not really sure I have any answers. I know I don’t have any concept of the pain their little hearts bear, even though we are all very happy with our lives today. But, I know there are a few things that I will continue to do.

Encourage my children to honor their father. According to scripture, we are to honor our parents. I struggle with helping my children understand what honor truly means. I expect that my children will treat their father with respect, that they will never seek to defame or humiliate him. However, honor does not mean that children need to be a doormat. It does not mean that they must submit to verbal or emotional abuse. Perhaps honor involves standing up in a respectful manner and establishing boundaries for their own well-being. Perhaps by refusing to be treated disrespectfully, they are doing one of the most honoring things they can.

I know that for many years I allowed myself to be treated disrespectfully because I thought that it was my duty to submit. I now realize that if I don’t have honor and respect for myself, I can’t honor and respect others. I can respectfully refuse to allow others to treat me in a way that disrespects me.

Maintain open communication with my kids. My kids know that they are always welcome to talk to me. Many nights, I have a child in my room after everyone else is in bed. When one of the kids comes to my room, I know it’s going to be a late night (I’ve had two such visitors tonight even as I attempt to write). I also know that it’s essential that I am available. No topic is off-limits. I want them to know that regardless of their struggle, they have an unconditional love and acceptance with me.

My kids don’t always agree with me. Sometimes they want to seek another opinion. I always welcome them to talk to trusted advisors. I always encourage them to take their concerns to God in prayer. I always tell them that I will stand with them 100%.

Ask God to parent through you. I was reading the story of Samson this week when I came across Judges 13:8:

Manoah asked the Lord, “Please, my Lord,” he said, “let the man of God whom you sent come back to us once more, so he can teach us how we should treat the boy who is to be born.” CEB

How often do I call out to God, begging him to teach me how to handle the difficult things with my kids! He is my endless supply of wisdom. He is my direction. He is the Father to my fatherless children. He is my co-parent—the one I trust to parent through me.

I know that I have made many mistakes with my kids, and I know that I will make many more. But, I also know that the One who has called me will also enable me. I know that in my weakness, his grace is sufficient. I know that he is working all these things together for good for my precious children and for me.

Lord Jesus, my heart breaks for the broken hearts within my children. I pray that you, the healer, would step in and knit their hearts back together again. I pray that you would give them wisdom to know how to honor their parents even while setting healthy boundaries. I pray that you would set them free from the constant pain and brokenness of their lives. Restore their joy, and use this pain to make them into your image. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “The Hurting Child”

  1. I am newly married and a new step-mom to a precious 9 year old boy who has been through so much. Thank you for your insight into how I can understand him. And thank you for being so passionate about raising your kids in Christ.

    1. So glad that I could provide a little insight. It’s wonderful to see your heart for your stepson. The days may be difficult, but I am certain that one day he will rise up and call you blessed!

  2. Thank you for speaking to my heart. It is true that the biggest tragedy of divorce, is the heartache our children experience. It has been 10 years since my husband of 25 years blindsided me with a divorce. I had no idea he was living a double life. My house was in foreclosure (I totally trusted him and he was very controlling) and I walked away with nothing except my youngest daughters 7 & 9 ( My oldest daughters were in college) and my dignity. As you mentioned it affects each one in their own way. My former husband used parental alienation to turn my oldest daughter against me and I never have disparaged him. Today I have a healthy relationship with her (she actually lives with me and regrets how she treated me then and has so much anxiety) but it has my oldest daughters to grow up (28 & 30) to see through his manipulation. Today my youngest (17 now) is giving me the same treatment that I went through with her sisters. Jillian and Rosemary chose to move in with him almost 4 yrs ago. Jillian is in college and I have a loving relationship with her. He has done nothing but attack me and hurt me since day 1. I don’t want to fight with him. I pray for him and I forgive him because he is a very mentally sick man. DivorceCare and Divorce Suvival groups have helped me very much but it is my faith in Jesus that allows me to feel His healing hand in my life. I pray the He is taking care of all our broken hearts after all He is the one who created them. Thank you for your words of wisdom and strength. God bless you and your children.

    1. Eileen, I can’t imagine the pain of having a child turn against you. But, I can see your faith, clinging to hope that God would step in and intervene. What a testimony you have! At this stage, I am blessed that my kids–as you say–see through the manipulation. I am blessed that they are close enough to me to share their deepest, most painful wounds. I am blessed that the four of us have such joy. But, it is the power of the savior who reaches down and loves us so tenderly, so perfectly, that has gotten us to this place. Praise be to the Father!

      Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for being a walking testimony of the restoring power of the savior.

  3. Thank you Dena, you words speak true. You are blessed with your family and the joy that you have. I believe in my heart that one day the younger girls will have their eyes open and see. I will be there just like the father in the parable “The Prodical Son”. Sometimes I want to be angry and resentful because I am completely heartbroken but I stop and talk to Jesus. He will never hurt me or forsake me. ! I know that whatever transpires, He is with me. What an amazing gift.I have been given from my faith. I will continue to pray and believe that “I can do all things through Jesus Christ who gives me strength” Philippians 4:13. Could I please ask you to say a little prayer for my daughters and me once in a while and I will do the same for you. How I believe in the power of prayer! Praise be Our Lord Jesus Christ, Savior of the world!

    1. You’ve got my prayers, Eileen! It’s so hard to understand why certain things happen. We just have to cling to God, knowing his ways are higher than our ways, that he is working behind the scenes to work all things for our good! Love and prayers!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s