On Divorce and Remarriage
Growing up, I was taught that marriage is forever. Adultery was the only reason divorce should even be considered, and adultery only happened when one spouse wandered because he/she wasn’t having needs met at home.
I have learned so much in the last decade.
Adultery and divorce are not always the result of one spouse not getting his/her needs met at home; adultery and divorce can be the result of one hardened heart wandering away from the covenant made with God and a spouse. And there’s often absolutely nothing the faithful spouse can do to stop it.
As I’ve walked this path, I’ve had to look deeply into scripture to understand how divorce and remarriage fit into God’s plan. We know God created us male and female, to become one flesh, fully committed until death do us part.
But we also know that we are human, living in a fallen world where sin is rampant. We know God’s perfect will is not always possible because there is none righteous, not even one (Romans 3:10).
Even when we face the consequences for sins—our own or those of someone we love—we can be assured that God’s grace is enough. His grace is enough to bring something beautiful out of the mess. His grace is enough to redeem the pain and make something new. His grace is enough to wipe out our past and give us a fresh start. His grace is enough to resurrect us from the grave—even the grave of divorce.
When I first walked through my divorce, I spent many hours wrestling with how it fit into my life, into my relationship with God. It was not something I wanted, but it was something forced upon me by an unrepentant spouse. I thought my testimony, my opportunities to serve God were over.
But God…
Instead of casting me to the side because of my divorce, I’ve watched as God has resurrected my life, my ministry. He’s helped me forget the past and perceive the new thing He is doing in me and through me (Isaiah 43:18-19). He has used the very thing some would say disqualifies me from serving Him to mold me into His image and give me a platform from which to share His love.
As I wrestled with God over divorce, I turned to scripture to see what He has to say about divorce and remarriage. While there are a small number of verses often used to keep people in abusive marriages or to force them to live a celibate life if they divorce, I couldn’t understand how this theology fit with God’s heart toward His people.
As I’ve prayed and studied, God has shown me a few things to consider when it comes to divorce.
The truth about sin. As scripture states, we have all sinned. Greed. Pride. Lust. Sexual immorality of any type. Whether it’s the little white lie to keep us out of trouble or divorce, it is all sin. And, in God’s eyes, there’s no difference between the lack of integrity in your life and the divorce in my life.
But by God’s grace, He sent His son Jesus Christ to shed blood so that my divorce and your sins could be wiped away. He has removed all of our sins as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12) and He remembers them no more (Hebrews 8:12, Jeremiah 32:34).
If God has removed my sins (including divorce) and remembers them no more, isn’t it as if I had never sinned? Haven’t I been made white as snow, washed in the robes of righteousness? Haven’t I been made right with Him?
If a person who was once greedy and prideful has his sin wiped away, if he is made as if he had never sinned, isn’t my divorce also wiped away as if I had never been married? After all, wasn’t Rahab—the prostitute—made right with God when she turned to Him? Wasn’t her sexual immorality wiped away and she was given a new chance at life—including marriage? Why would my divorce be treated any differently by the forgiving God whose entire purpose in sending His son was to make us right with Him?
The history of divorce and remarriage in the Bible. While God’s plan was always for the man to leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, He also knew hearts harden. He knew mankind would wander from their commitments. To prevent women from being mistreated, from being left with no way to provide for themselves and their children, Moses allowed divorce and remarriage as a kindness to women who had no rights in their culture.
Suppose a man marries a woman but she does not please him. Having discovered something wrong with her, he writes a document of divorce, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house. When she leaves his house, she is free to marry another man. Deuteronomy 24:1-2
And if you look at Malachi 2, the famous and frequently quoted God hates divorce passage, you actually find a very different tone.
Yet you ask, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have acted treacherously against her, though she was your marriage partner and your wife by covenant. Didn’t the one God make us with a remnant of His life-breath? And what does the One seek? A godly offspring. So watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously against the wife of your youth.
“If he hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord God of Israel, “he covers his garment with injustice,” says the Lord of Hosts. Therefore, watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously. Malachi 2:14-16
Can’t you hear God’s heart? His heart is not that divorce is some horrible sin. His heart is broken when you treat your wife, your spouse, poorly, when you abuse (mentally, physically, emotionally) your spouse, when you commit adultery against your spouse. He calls out the breaking of the covenant by any type of mistreatment of a spouse. It’s the actions that lead to divorce that break God’s heart.
God’s heart toward us. God loves us! We are the apple of His eye, His treasured possession, His royal priesthood. He delights in us, rejoicing over us with singing (Zephaniah 3:17). Nothing makes Him happier than to see His children walking in His ways.
But it’s far less about our outward actions and far more about our hearts. Sure, when our hearts are right with Him, we desire to walk with Him. But I don’t have to follow any certain set of rules to earn God’s favor.
I have been saved by His grace and His grace alone (Ephesians 2:8-9)! Nothing I do can make Him love me more—or love me less! Anyone who demands that I must follow a certain way of living (i.e., stay in an abusive marriage or remain single following divorce) is saying I must earn my salvation, a direct violation of God’s Word.
Jesus Christ was a master of bestowing grace on the lowliest of sinners. Whether it was the woman caught in adultery or the greedy tax collector, He always offered grace and forgiveness. He wiped their past clean and made them as if they had never sinned before. And when they left His presence overwhelmed by grace, they wanted nothing more than to walk in His ways, to share the story of this man who gave them new life.
And it’s the same with us who have walked through divorce. We’ve seen God take our past, wipe it clean, give us new life. Nothing brings us more delight than to walk with Him, to share His love with others.
Divorce is a painful experience, one I wouldn’t wish on my greatest enemy. Despite the pain, it is also an opportunity to experience the lavish love, the powerful healing of the Father who loves us so. It can be the end of one chapter and the beginning of a beautiful new future filled with blessings and gifts from the Father.
Ultimately, this side of heaven we will never fully understand God’s ways.
For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when the perfect comes, the partial will come to an end. …For now we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, as I am fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:9-10,12.
But, I will always choose to err on the side of love and grace, just as my Savior does.
But while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church. Anyone who claims to know all the answers doesn’t really know very much. But the person who loves God is the one whom God recognizes. 1 Corinthians 8:1b-3
I am so glad I ran across your post. My wife and I were abandoned by believing spouses and my ex-spouse was committing sexual sins. Against my will, I became a single Father raising three beautiful teenage daughters. As a Deacon of my church, I resigned and ended up ministering to divorced individuals and single parents (especially Dads with daughters). The Lord brought a beautiful Christian woman into my life and we decided to remarry. My church was open to our relationship and asked for me to serve as a Deacon again. I was going right along when I read a book by Andy Stanley who stated I committed adultery when I remarried. This threw me for a loop. Guilt from being divorced crept into my life and I felt unworthy as a Christian, especially a Deacon. In my mind, I was not even a second class Christian. Depressive thoughts flooded my waking thoughts.
I knew God’s perfect will was for me to be married until death to my first spouse. But I had no choice in this matter. While talking with my Uncle, I asked him when God forgives us does this mean he really removes all our sin and makes us just as if we had never sinned. My Uncle told me it was worse to not believe God has forgiven me and removed my sin than it was for me to be divorced. At once I received God’s forgiveness and grace. Freedom from sin and my past has replaced depression with joy.
When God removes our sin as far as the east is from the west, that also includes being divorced for whatever reason.
20 For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory. 21 And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, 22 and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. 1 Corinthians 1:20-22 (ESV)
Can you tell me which book by Andy Stanley? Strangely enough, he was one pastor who actually put a caveat in a sermon I heard, a caveat that forever freed me of guilt. I’m curious if he’s had a recent change in his stance. I’m so glad you’ve reached a place of peace. So blessed to have God’s unconditional love and forgiveness!
This is wonderfully written. Our church is finally taking on the issue of divorce and remarriage. We wrote about it today in our blog remarriedforever.com. It can be very lonely out there which is why we started our blog. Thank you for sharing.
I have been saved by His grace and His grace alone (Ephesians 2:8-9)! Nothing I do can make Him love me more—or love me less! Anyone who demands that I must follow a certain way of living (i.e., stay in an abusive marriage or remain single following divorce) is saying I must earn my salvation, a direct violation of God’s Word. — my favorite part, spoke to me today
Thank you for this. ??
Ditch the idea of remarriage… once you’ve made that mistake once, why would you do it again!
Not all men are like our exes. God has blessed me with an amazing man who carries my burdens, loves me tenderly, supports me in all things. He is my gift from God.
Nice post, I wish I would have seen this back when I was failing heavy at forgiveness in my divorce and with my ex husband. Things all settled and are wonderful, but this would have been helpful.
Thank you for sharing your personal story with us. We left our church last February because of a shocking dangerous sermon preached. I went through 15 years of both physical and emotional abuse as well as being cheated on continually. I never married thinking I would ever divorce but also had no idea of the monster I had married either. I am divorced (with the big Scarlett D on my forehead) and remarried now for 20 years to a wonderful man. Our preacher said there are NO reasons for divorce and that Jesus never said anything about abuse or abandonment. So, I’m assuming he believes I’m living in adultery because I’m remarried. My x spouse married a much younger girl and he put her in the hospital twice. He is no longer living. We both love the Lord but feel we have no church that doesn’t treat us like 2nd class citizens. His sermon truly put me in a deep depression and feeling like God couldn’t love me. Abuse is of the devil so why would God want us to stay??? The devil comes to kill, steal, and destroy which is exactly what domestic abuse does!! God bless you Dena!!
Your story just made me sick to my stomach. How can anyone heap that shame and guilt on a sister in Christ? Shame is from Satan. Hold your head high, sweet sister! God Loves is…divorce and all!
Thank you Dena and so grateful for your ministry! God bless you!
Thank you for opening up with YOUR story. Wow. We would have left our church too. Ours finally – just this weekend – is taking on divorce and remarriage and we are proud of the way they are handling it.
Dena,
I just wanted to thank you for being so brave and honest in your findings and for sharing it with us. I’ve followed your blog for a few months now and this post completely resonated with me. I also grew up in a household where there was no such thing as divorce- when you got married, it was until death do us part.
However, after 4 years of my marriage, my husband wandered away from our marriage and sought comfort in another woman. And thankfully, the Bible does say adultery is one of the “acceptable” reasons for a divorce but I still struggled with that notion. I always believed in the vows we made before God and our friends and family. It took me a LONG time to realize that even though we made vows, my husband drifted away from that covenant with me.
You are such an inspiration to me and I’m so thankful for you sharing your posts.
God Bless,
Jaclyn
Grace surely does cover our sins but not that we may continue in sin. Romans 6:1,2 Jesus forgave the woman caught in adultery but than told her to go and sin no more. I too was taught that marriage was for life an am confused. Jesus said that Moses allowed it out of the hardness of the people hearts but than goes on to say that was not the way it was meant to be from the beginning and forbids it esp remarriage. We are not saved by our own works, but the greatest commandment is loving Jesus which is linked to obeying his commandments ( John 14: 15,21,23,24 and 15:10 ) which is made possible through Grace and faith because we are all sinners. Does Grace alone ( a phrase I couldn’t find ) exempt us from his commandments being we can’t sin no more? Does that include all adultery ( extramarital affairs ) fornication, murder, etc.? This is not to condemn anyone as it must be hard going through a divorce but I am confused.
“If you are married, don’t get a divorce. If you are divorced, don’t try to find a spouse. But if you do marry, you haven’t sinned; and if someone who hasn’t been married gets married, they haven’t sinned. But married people will have a hard time, and I’m trying to spare you that.”
??1 Corinthians? ?7:27-28? ?CEB??
http://bible.com/37/1co.7.27-28.ceb
We are so caught up in our human interpretations that we have become Pharisees, heaping heavy burdens upon others. There are many Bible scholars who disagree with the interpretation that we must remain celibate after a divorce. I have sought the Lord and know where He has led me—that it is not sin to remarry.
This came at just the right time. I’m at a crossroads three years into an abrupt divorce (kids were 2yrs and 2months old). Battling with how and why my marriage ended; what i cld have done diff etc; as well as raising 2 kids alone; dealing with world’s rejection; judgement and unsolicited opinions; dealing with exes slander,betrayal, abandonment and rejection of me and easily moving on into a new life (home, social circle, job and relationship with my friend; juggling work as well as learning who God is, who i am in His eyes and what our relationship is about and for etc. Its been a loooooong walk i can say ?
With the initial view i had of divorce being wrong in Gods eyes, i was in someway now trash and combined with the immense guilt i carry over my children being children of divorce i had committed to living a life alone as a punishment 4 being divorced and as a means to protect my children 4rm my inability to choose the right man who can stay committed to marriage and his family …
But i know this to be incorrect and wrong. I know I’m redeemed renewed restored in Christ Jesus. I am loved. I am loveable. Though rejected by one, Jesus who knows the pain of rejection n betrayal has carried my sin and guilt away and the Lord my God remembers it no more and so i too can reach out for a new life and job and home and one day new relationship that will lead to a beautiful lasting marriage that i will make certain is founded on Christ my Rock. ????
And so this article came just as i have been awakened to this truth… a new life in Christ in all areas of my life and spheres of influence. I am glad 4 the pain of divorce…4 it awakened me 4rm my slumber that was kedping me from God and leading me to the hell fires of certain death. I cannot wait to walk into and start living my new life. And so today i sit drawing up my cv so i can apply 4 a new job overseas with my children.
Please pray 4 and with me Dena that God goes before me amd opens the way for my application, travel, resettlement and protection of my relationship with God. May i be established in country work and home in area where i and my children will thrive in our faith and lives.
May God continue to bless you and look upon you and your loved ones with favour, servant
May God bless you Dena and may He favour you and your loved ones with peace and love and hope till His return. For by sharing your journey and experiences you touched my life and 2iwas reminded to look upwards and see the the hope i have in Christ. ????
Thankyou.
I understand everything you say. It’s such a hard road, but God is so incredibly faithful. Hold tight to Him. He will cover you with His love, rejoicing over you with singing. He will carry you through. Many prayers for you, my friend.
Thank you so much for this article,I really needed it today. I’m healing from a painful divorce and your ministry has helped me in so many ways.God bless you
So thankful God can use my words and experiences to help you through such a painful time in your life. Hugs and prayers.
Thank you Dena. As someone recently divorced due to my husbands adultery I could really resonerate to your writing. I found your words comforting and your bible references helpful. God bless you!
Prayers to you as you walk this painful path. He will see you through.
I was there too, once you heal up you can find that things on the other side are incredible.
This is the best insight that I’ve read on divorced women and remarriage. It has cleared up a lot for me. God bless you.
Thank you