Battlefield of the Mind

The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm. Exodus 14:14

Thank you, God. I’m so thankful for your promises for your faithfulness. I can’t even start to express how much your words mean to me right now, in this moment. It’s been so tough. I am scared of the unknown, scared of what is yet to come. But right now, in this moment, I hear your tender whispers reminding me the battle is yours. You will win the victory just like you did back in January when you stepped in and took over.

But I’m so scared. What if things don’t go well? What do we do when things are out of control? What if he doesn’t keep his promises to me? What if I lose everything again? I can’t handle it, God. I can’t do this again. You know we’ve had so much already. This year… These past two years… This last decade.

Enough is enough. I’m done. I can’t face the fears, the unknown, the insecurity.

Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Psalm 46:10

Oh. Right. I remember. You gave me a promise, a promise that you are going before me, a promise that you have already made a way. I hear you. I’m stepping back and being still. Listening. Resting. Waiting. Trusting. Casting my cares on you. I remember your faithfulness, all those times you came through in the most hopeless of situations. I choose faith over fear. I choose to believe you will make a way. I choose you.

But what about me? What about my future? What about all we’ve built these last six months? What about my kids? What about all we’ve been through? I can’t go through it again. I can’t face another season like we had last fall. I can’t do it. God, you have to do something. Now. You have to sweep in and rescue me. Rescue us. I can’t do this. It’s too hard. You are asking too much of me!

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3

I hear you. I remember all those times my mind was firmly fixed on you. I remember all the ways you’ve filled me with your perfect peace. I remember all those times when you were more than enough, definitely all I ever needed. I remember your provisions in the wilderness. I remember the way you’ve rescued me in the past, the way you’ve taken care of things. I just need to fully trust in you. Rest. Stop worrying. Let you fight the battles. You have it all figured out. You see the full picture even though I can’t.

I’m not taking this! I have too much self-respect. I don’t deserve it! I’m not the quiet, submissive wife I once was. I’m strong. I’m important. I’m a child of the King. And I’m going to make sure my voice is heard. These are my boundaries! You either live by them and treat me the way I deserve or you won’t know what hit you. I can be the strongest, toughest Mama Bear you’ve ever met. I’ve learned to fight to stand up for myself. I won’t be taken advantage of!

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2

Ok. I hear you…again. I’m bringing my mind back to your promise to me, the word you gave me earlier this week. I’m trusting you to fight the battle. I’m choosing to be still. I’m resting in you, believing you will rescue us…just like you have in the past. I’m choosing the truth of your Word over the reality of this life.

And so my life has been this last week. Every day. Every hour. A back and forth battle with my mind, fighting to trust God, to believe His promises, to remember His past faithfulness to me.

Until my mind takes over, carrying on imaginary conversations with various people in my mind. Thinking through the difficult circumstances we face. Worrying about how it will all play out. Spiraling downward in my thinking. Wandering far away from the perfect peace my Savior promises.

When I catch myself going down this path, I remind myself of God’s promises. I intentionally change my thoughts, focusing on the promises of God, striving to be transformed in my thinking, to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions, twisting me into all types of uncomfortable contortions as my mind throws me into loops and turns and twists of varying sizes, leaving me dizzy and nauseated and longing for solid ground.

Being transformed by the renewing of our minds and taking our thoughts captive is an exercise, a training exercise that takes years to perfect. In most areas, my mind is pretty well-trained (and I’ve certainly had periods in my life where my mind was extremely well-trained). But for some reason, this particular battle is kicking my butt! I constantly try to bring my mind back around to the truth, to the promise He will fight this battle and I only need to be still. But it seems I can’t keep my mind there, staying focused on Him, that place where His perfect peace takes over.

Honestly, there’s so much going on in my life. So many battles. It has been an overwhelming year in so many ways. I honestly don’t know how we are still standing, how we continue to put one foot in front of the other. But we do. Roy handles things with such grace (most of the time). He has such a positive mindset. Me, on the other hand? My normally positive, upbeat, cheerful disposition seems to be sucked away right now, replaced by a frustrated, exhausted, fearful mess. It’s not who I want to be.

Today I was reflecting on days in the past, days where my heart and mind were so grounded in scripture that nothing could rattle me. I want those days back. I want those days where my first thoughts are, “Thank you, Lord, for a new morning.” I want those days where my heart just sings, where songs of worship simply flow from my heart. I want those days where I hear the sweet, intimate whispers of my Savior all day—even as the chaos swirls around me. I want my Savior.

I’m thankful God looks at the heart. I’m thankful He understands the chaos of this world, the distractions that pull us away from Him. I only pray He opens the doors to help me get my mind back in focus as we walk through this next season.