One Size Does Not Fit All

One size does not fit all.

I recently republished a post about purity. In it, I mentioned the book Every Young Man’s Battle. A reader asked me to do some research and look into the damage this book has done to marriages and families, and she put a link to a video by Sheila Wray Gregoire. 

I frequently read To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, the blog by Ms. Gregoire. She has some great information and is knowledgeable on marriage and abuse and so many topics pertaining to the family. 

However, to completely discount the Every Man’s series is damaging. This particular book has helped many, many men fight the battle of lust and pornography. Is this battle one that every man fights? Of course not but the title Some Men’s Battle just doesn’t have the same ring. 

This particular book was such an eye-opener for me. I had struggled with why my husband had betrayed me, why I was not enough to satisfy him. Until I read Every Young Man’s Battle. Suddenly, everything in my marriage made sense! Suddenly, I understood that my ex-husband had been a porn addict. Suddenly, I understood why everyone in his life was viewed as an object to make his life better. Suddenly, I saw my marriage and my ex-husband as someone whose mind had been warped by years of pornography and lustful thoughts–a battle he had chosen to feed rather than fight. 

Does this book apply to every man? Absolutely not! Lust is a battle for many men, but we know there are plenty of men who have chosen a life of purity, who flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18). We know there are men like Joseph from scripture who choose to set no evil thing before their eyes (Psalm 101:3). But, there are plenty of others who battle the monster of lust. 

Read more like this here.

In a country of 328 million people (or a world of 7.9 billion), why do we think that one size fits all? 

I hear this argument all the time. 

Love and Respect has done so much damage to the wife caught in an abusive marriage!

The Five Love Languages is a great book that will fix your marriage!

His Needs, Her Needs will affair-proof your marriage!

Marriage was designed to make you holy, not happy (from Sacred Marriage).

And it’s not just books. We could look at the movie War Room which is a great movie, but not every marriage works that way. Or marriage counselors. When my ex-husband and I attempted counseling, we both told the counselor my husband needed help, a fact that was obvious by the assessments we took that showed he was anything but balanced. The counselor’s answer? Build intimacy between us. 

Here’s the truth: Each of these books, movies, counseling techniques is beneficial–in the right situation.

The Five Love Languages is a great book that can help my hubby and I learn to show love to one another, but in the context of a dysfunctional marriage isn’t going to provide the same benefits.

Love and Respect has some great material if you have two people who are committed to loving one another as Christ loved the church.

Sacred Marriage is a powerful way of viewing marriage when you have two people who are focused on knowing God intimately.

Want an affair proof marriage? Read more here.

For a couple that experienced infidelity because they got busy and failed to nurture the marriage but both desire to change, the counselor’s advice would have been wise.

But, in the face of abuse, addiction, or adultery? Any one of these books, movies, or counselors can be detrimental and keep a partner in bondage.

I simply don’t understand why our culture is so intent on trying to find one size that fits all. I don’t understand why we can’t read a book and apply it to our lives where it fits–and discard the parts that simply don’t work for our situation. 

I believe with all my heart that these authors all have good hearts with pure motives. Not one set out to write a book that would be twisted to hold someone in bondage. And yet, we hold these individuals to a standard of trying to meet the needs of 328 million people in this country alone! Who can do that?

Oh, friends! We so need to seek unity within the body of Christ! In John 17, that’s what Jesus chose to pray for us! He could have asked the Father for so many things for us, but He prayed for unity! He prayed that we would put aside all these silly arguments and be one for the sake of the kingdom!

Sacred Marriage was thrown in my face so many times! People used it to tell me my responsibility was to stay in that marriage regardless of the abuse and dysfunction. Do you know what Gary Thomas (the author) says? He says that when we put the institution of marriage above the individual, we have failed as Christians! He never intended for Sacred Marriage to be used as a weapon against those in destructive marriages! You can read that in his book When to Walk Away.

We have to do better! We have to get rid of this mentality that says one size fits all. We have to understand that in a world of 7.9 billion, there is no such thing as one size fits all. 

Let’s learn to exercise the discernment of the Spirit and choose what applies to our lives–and spit out the parts that don’t.