Should I Stay?

It’s a question I am asked frequently:

Should I stay in my marriage?

It’s also a question I wrestled with for a very long time after I discovered my first husband’s infidelity. I had made a covenant before God and man, and it wasn’t something I took lightly. I had always been taught that scripture allowed divorce in the case of adultery, but I also believed God could do an amazing work of restoration in our marriage.

It was a quandary to decide how to move forward.

As I look back at my first marriage, I can see with clarity what I couldn’t see in the midst of the pain. I can see the years of dysfunction. I can see the verbal and mental abuse. I can see the manipulation and control.

Perhaps even more obvious is what he didn’t do. He didn’t repent. He didn’t choose me and our marriage. He didn’t choose to surrender to God. He didn’t do the work of searching his heart and soul to become a better man.

He didn’t give me a reason to stay.

If you were to ask me whether you should stay in your marriage, I would probably respond with a series of questions. If you are struggling with a marriage, here are a few things to consider.

Does he/she accept responsibility for his/her actions? If your marriage is going to survive, both people must accept responsibility for their part in the demise of the marriage. Here’s the thing: Neither of you is perfect. You both have areas where you may need to improve. However, it is highly possible that one of you bears the bulk of responsibility

Is one spouse a porn addict? Is one spouse having an affair? Is one spouse always taking while the other is a born giver? Does the marriage feel one-sided? If you do any study on narcissism or emotional abuse, you will see that often an empath is attracted to the perceived strength of a narcissist. A fixer will be drawn to someone who needs  help.

If your marriage is going to survive, the guilty party must be willing to accept responsibility for his/her actions. He/She must understand that the loss of trust is a direct consequence of his/her choices.

Is he/she willing to do the hard work forever? When trust has been broken, it’s anything but an overnight fix. The tendency to fall back into the fears and insecurities of the past are always there, and it requires a lifetime commitment to the victimized spouse and to God.

Is there an out of town work trip? Share your location and ensure that your spouse knows without a doubt who you are with and what you are doing. Were you using your phone to look at porn? Switch to a flip phone. Ensure your spouse has access to your history on all your devices. Install a monitoring app. Were you communicating inappropriately on social media? Delete the app. Delete your profiles. Make sure your spouse knows all of your passwords.

There is no cost too great to save your marriage. Is your spouse willing to pay that price–for the rest of his/her life?

Is there a pattern of abuse or lack of integrity? Let’s be honest: Sometimes an affair is the result of poor boundaries and poor choices. Other times, if we are totally honest, it is in line with the character of the individual.

Sadly, my first husband had a profound lack of self-esteem. He sought approval in relationships with women. It was a pattern from the very beginning of our marriage, even though it wasn’t until later that he actually acted on a relationship.

Having an affair was a major character flaw that had been present for many years.

As I mentioned earlier, I also now see the abuse we all suffered. His verbal tirades laced with obscenities. His anger designed to control us. His desire to be served at all costs. There was a pattern of controlling and abusive behaviors.

If your spouse shows an ongoing lack of integrity or abusive behaviors, it should factor into your decision regarding your marriage.

Are you willing to let God work in you and through you? Whether you are the victimized spouse or the abuser, this question is for you. God can–and does–work in and through those who are willing to let Him. No matter what’s going on in your marriage, you must be willing to completely surrender to His way of life.

But let me take it one step further. Are you able to fulfill God’s purpose for your life in this marriage? Or, is your spouse controlling you to the point that you will never be able to do all God has called you to do? In other words, do you have to live in sin by failing to follow God’s plan for your life to stay in this marriage?

I don’t know about you, but I never again want marriage to be an idol in my life. As I look back, I see where my beliefs told me I needed to stay, even though I knew that staying meant I could never be or do all God had called me to be and do. Sometimes it’s a matter of recognizing God’s calling and your spouse’s expectations. I’m not referring to a one-time event in a hard marriage but instead to God’s calling on your life in a toxic marriage. And there’s a big difference there. You must be praying and listening, asking God for the discernment to know which way to go.

And when you pray those prayers, God is faithful. He will give you the clarity you need to know if you should stay or if you should go. The beauty is that no matter which way you go, He will go with you.

He is faithful to the very end.