A Letter to the Spouse Who Had an Affair

Dear spouse,

I want you to know how much I love you and how much I want to see God work in our lives and in our relationship. When I married you, I made a covenant before God and man–a covenant of until death do we part.

And my heart has not changed.

However, you have wandered from our covenant, from the faithful love you promised me forever. I still believe in forever. I still believe God can and will do more than we could ever ask, hope, or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

I still want to grow old with you, to sit on our rockers on the front porch and reminisce about our lives together. I still want to include you in the future we are building. I still want to honor our commitment to God and to one another.

I still want you.

But I have to know that you still want us. The revelation of your unfaithfulness has left me broken. Devastated. Rejected. Betrayed. I never imagined there could be a pain this deep, this gut-wrenching. It’s like nothing I ever imagined I could feel. Nothing I imagined I would ever feel.

If it weren’t for my Heavenly Father, I would be hopeless in this moment, this circumstance. Hopeless about my future. Hopeless about our future. Hopeless about everything this life has to offer. He, however, is my one constant, my one faithful companion, my one hope.

While my Father is sovereign and more than able to take this mess and make something beautiful, it requires us to actively work with Him, to choose Him and His ways. He will not force you to follow Him. He will not force you to do what is right. You must choose Him and His ways.

And if you choose Him and His ways, you are also choosing me.

Maybe you are wondering exactly what it is I need from you, exactly what it will take to keep our marriage together in the face of your unfaithfulness. Let me tell you so there is no doubt.

Total and complete surrender. I know you have fought against surrender to God for a long time. Maybe it’s been your fear that has kept you separated from God. Maybe it’s your insecurities. Maybe it’s just that you’ve chosen a life of ease over a life of discipline.

Whatever it is that has kept you in prison, it’s time to choose God’s way–with total and complete surrender to Him! His way is the way of freedom. His way is one of health. His way is one of healing. His way is one of hope.

When we choose to fully surrender everything to God… When we release our fears to Him… When we trust Him with our present and our future…

There is no way to describe the freedom and victory that we gain! He tells us repeatedly that He never meant for us to carry the burdens of this world. Instead, He told us to cast all our cares on Him because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7), because He wants to carry our burdens for us. His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:30).\

A warrior spirit. I can’t even start to explain how important it is that I see you fight for me! The pain of your betrayal has left me feeling unwanted, unloved, unworthy. My self-worth has been utterly destroyed to know that I gave you my best and it wasn’t enough for you.

I need to see you fight for me! I need to know that I am worth fighting for!

What does that look like? It means that you examine every part of your life and decide what contributed to your adultery. Did social media play a part? Remove it from your life. Was it a coworker? Change jobs. Is your phone an issue? Get a flip phone.

It means that you get help. Find a counselor to walk through your insecurity. Get an accountability partner who will hold you accountable. Go to Celebrate Recovery. Confess your sins to the right people who will not judge you but who will help you find the healing you need (James 5:16).

Scripture teaches us to deal severely with our sin (Matthew 5:29). I need to know that I am worth completely changing your life, that there is nothing this world has to offer that is worth more than I am.

Passionate pursuit. Do you remember when we first started dating? You couldn’t get enough of me. You brought me flowers for no reason at all. You texted me first thing each morning. I felt like I was the only thing on your mind.

As the years have passed, you’ve forgotten what it was to pursue me. Unfortunately, right now my heart is terrified to let you back in! I’ve built walls around my heart to protect me from the pain you have caused me. I’m scared to be vulnerable with you.

If our marriage is going to last, I need to see you pursue me. Remind me why I fell in love with you in the first place. Reach out and take my hand as we walk through the park. Plan a special date where we can sit and talk. Come up behind me and wrap your arms around me as you whisper in my ear why you love me. Lead me to the throne of the Father as we pursue Him together. Do those things that made me fall in love you with you all those years ago.

We can survive your unfaithfulness. We can experience the intimacy and marriage God planned for us. But it takes a lot of worth.

Show me that enduring the pain will be worth it.

Show me that I am worth it.