From Mess to Message

I was confronted again this week: Why do you continue to write about divorce? Why do you allow your past divorce to color your world today? Why do you allow what your ex-husband did to you to continue to affect your relationships today?

I’ve heard it many, many times. I need to leave the adultery, abuse, and divorce in the past and move on with my life.

But here’s a few questions for you:

There’s a local pastor whose son almost died in a horrific car accident several years ago. His son, although still impacted by the severe brain injury, now walks and talks and attends college. The two of them travel the country sharing the story of God’s goodness and grace. Does anyone tell them to stop sharing their story?

There’s another nearby pastor who had multiple affairs, one that culminated with his mistress becoming pregnant. By God’s grace, the couple has put their marriage back together, raised the child with the other woman, and now shares their story with an emphasis on God’s goodness and grace. Does anyone tell them to stop sharing their story?

There’s another local who man who beat addiction. He now shares his story and runs a non-profit organization designed to help others battling addiction. He writes and speaks about his story, sharing the goodness of God’s grace in helping him fight the demons. Does anyone tell him to stop sharing his story?

What about the couples who battled infertility only to be blessed with a beautiful, perfect baby? Does anyone tell them to stop?

What about the widows who tragically lost their spouses and they walked through the grief of death, bravely and courageously raising their children alone. Does anyone tell them to just get over it?

I could go on and on about all the messes that have been turned into messages by the goodness and grace of God. Very rarely do I hear people complain about how these people continue to live in the past.

But those of us who have suffered divorce? Somehow, it seems that our mess shouldn’t be a message.

We can’t talk about all the ways God has used the mess to transform us into His image.

We can’t talk about all the people we have been able to help because of our divorce.

We can’t talk about how God rescued us from a situation we didn’t even know was killing us.

We can’t talk about the beauty of a post-divorce life.

We can’t talk about all the ways the Church has failed to acknowledge the damage of putting the institution of marriage above individuals.

We can’t talk about how God has given us a passion for those suffering the pain of divorce and how it is magnified by a church that treats us like lepers.

We can’t allow our mess to become a message.

Because if we do, we are still living in the past. We are still devastated by the damage our past spouses did to us. We have not allowed ourselves to be healed but continue to allow it to color our present.

I don’t understand why divorce is treated so differently. In so many ways. Why it is the unforgivable sin.

I wish you could see my face as I talk about those dark days where I didn’t know how I would go on, how I didn’t know how I would pull myself out of bed the next morning.

When I talk about those dark days today, I can’t hide the smile that crawls across my face as I reflect on the goodness of God.

I can’t talk about those days without remembering all the ways my God provided for me.

I can’t talk about all the ways I remember His miracles — the small ones that were daily manna for my soul and the big ones that left me on my knees in tears.

I can’t talk about the mistakes I made without remembering how God gave me such a clear picture of His forgiveness and why I needed it.

I can’t talk about the pain without being reminded of my Savior’s relentless pursuit of me.

I can’t talk about the divorce without seeing that God had a bigger plan, a plan that has allowed me to connect with women (and men) across the globe who have suffered in silence.

You see, there’s not a single negative from that dark period that isn’t covered with an even greater memory of God’s goodness and grace. 

Why do I tell my story? Because it’s not a story of divorce. It’s a story of how God met a broken and devastated child of God in the midst of her pain, carried her into a future that is so much greater than anything she could have ever imagined, and put her back together and on her feet for good (1 Peter 5:10). It’s a story of how we can’t always see what God is doing in the midst of the pain, but we can choose to trust Him to bring something beautiful from the mess.

It’s not a story of divorce; it’s the story of a God who takes our mess and turns it into a message.