Five Lessons Learned in Six Years of Remarriage

It’s been six years.

This weekend, September 2, Roy and I will celebrate six years of marriage. Six years of changes. Six years of blending two very different families. Six years of learning and growing. Six years of experiencing God’s redemption.

Don’t let me fool you. It hasn’t been six years of wedded bliss. It’s been six tough years when you look at the whole. Roy is easy to love. He’s kind and funny and generous and goofy and so many other good things. He’s also stubborn. Really hard-headed. We honestly had all the cards stacked against us in this marriage: kids grieving the death of their dad, a special needs child with severe behavioral issues, a custody battle, the loss of his dad, individuals set to destroy our marriage, misplaced expectations. It’s really a miracle we are still here together.

But can I tell you about this year? This year–2023. If I’m honest, maybe even just the last six months. I feel like I’m married to a totally different person. Oh, he’s still all the good things I mentioned above, maybe even to a greater degree. But, he’s also changed so much! It’s as if he has finally come to understand exactly what this marriage thing is all about. He has been able to put behind him some of the unbelievably painful events of the last six years and see God’s hand in his circumstances. In our circumstances.

And, he is truly learning to love me as Christ loves the Church, with this sacrificial, protecting love. He’s learned that protecting me is not just about physical protection; it’s about protecting me emotionally, protecting my heart from those things that are out to destroy me. He has finally begun to let his walls down and let me in–fully and completely–even as he fights to break down the walls I’ve had to protect myself from further pain.

He has become the picture of Christ, the One who loves me completely, pursues me relentlessly, fights for my affections. And the changes in him has spurred me to a place where I am willing to open my heart to him in new ways.

It’s a beautiful thing–even if it took us six years to get to this point.

As I reflect on the last six years I find myself thinking about some of the lessons we have learned?

God first and spouse second. When we got married, we had both been single parents. Translated, that means our lives revolved around our kids. We were used to putting our kids at the forefront of our lives, putting their needs ahead of everyone else.

When you choose to enter into a marriage, it’s essential that your relationship with your spouse takes center stage, second only to Christ. It’s pretty easy to say your spouse is your top priority, but living it out is a different challenge. To make this remarriage thing work, you must figure out how to make your spouse second only to God.

Neglect the world if we have to but never neglect one another. This quote is actually one that Roy found, and I love the truth behind it! The truth is that we have to be cautious about letting the world–friends, work, money, anything that could distract from our spouse–into our lives.

We’ve had several challenges with priorities and people weaseling their way into our relationship. As we enter this next year, I can confidently say we are both at a place where the things of the world pale in comparison to our relationship. We are learning to bring each other into every part of our lives, ensuring that we never neglect each other.

Be weird because normal doesn’t work. We are weird. Quite honestly, I tell Roy frequently that he is weird! While I say it jokingly, it’s true that we must find ways to be weird because it only takes a quick glance at the world to see how broken normal is.

I give credit to Craig Groeschel for this quote, but let me take it a little deeper. We have access to every password, every social media account, every text message the other sends. There is nothing hidden. Roy has a meeting tomorrow with a couple of ladies from work, and he has invited me along to ensure I am comfortable with the situation. Our phones are always available to each other, ensuring there is nothing hidden. We’ve even talked about going back to flip phones just to eliminate the lure of our phone and social media.

Not everyone opens every part of their lives to a spouse, but that’s the path we have chosen. And, that path is proving to be one that takes us to a much deeper intimacy, a much more beautiful relationship.

Sometimes loving means letting go. I know this one has been a particularly hard lesson to learn. Roy found himself in a situation that required him to let go of his children. It has been such a hard lesson, and he constantly has to lean into the Savior for his strength.

The beauty is in learning to see from God’s perspective. While he has given up his children, he has seen how God in His sovereignty placed him in a home with kids who adore him. When we lose something precious, God redeems in His time and His way.

Embracing what we didn’t expect allows us to experience God’s redemption. We didn’t expect so many of the challenges that life has thrown our way, but we have learned to embrace them.

We must learn new ways of relating. Both of us came from some pretty dysfunctional relationships, even if we didn’t realize it at the time. It’s been a challenge to learn new ways of relating. I remember early in our marriage getting into a pretty significant argument. I finally leaned in close to Roy and simply said, “I’m not your ex.” His entire demeanor changed instantly, softened immensely. We were able to resolve the argument simply by remembering that we are new people and we have to learn to relate in new ways.

For me, I struggle with sharing my heart because of the many times I’ve been verbally berated. It takes a lot of courage for me to open up and confront when I need to share something that could potentially be upsetting. I have to remember that he is not my ex and that he loves me immensely.

Learning new ways of relating is a learning process, one that requires courage, trust, honesty, vulnerability. It’s a path of trial and error, success and failure. It’s also one that can be immensely blessed!

Yes, we are six years into this thing called marriage. We are six years into this journey that started with a friendship. We are six years into this relationship I swore would never happen. We would not be in this beautiful season if we had continued to pursue our own way instead of surrendering to the God who restores.

And the blessings of God’s restoration are so incredibly beautiful!