Red Flag Warning

August 30, 2023.

I had an alert come across my phone about an officer-involved shooting. I quickly opened my phone to watch the news conference. To my surprise, the picture of my friend with the beautiful smile flashed across the screen. She had been shot and killed by her husband, one of her fellow deputies.

My heart sank. I don’t believe I had ever met her in person, but I had visited with her a number of times. She lived just a few miles from me, was busy raising her young son as I was raising my three kids. She had found my blog and could relate to my journey as a single mom as we both battled to do this thing called life on our own. At one point, my son had a set of drums he was selling. Her son was interested. We talked of just giving him the drums as a way to bless them both (if drums can be a blessing to a single mom 🙂 ). I don’t really remember what happened.

Over the years, we both remarried. I still watched her life from afar through social media. She managed to become a police officer and she glowed as she talked of her love for the people she served. And that sense of humor! She could always get a chuckle from me as she shared some of the funniest things I’ve seen on Instagram.

She just turned 40 a few weeks ago. Her son had just started his senior year in high school (and he was in marching band so maybe those drums were exactly what he needed). She was working as a  Sheriff’s deputy. Her social media life showed that she was thriving!

But behind closed doors…

We will probably never know what was going on behind those closed doors of her home with her husband of four years. All we do know is that there was an argument. Multiple shots were fired. Officers found her dead. Her husband was arrested and booked for murder.

Here’s what I want you to know.

It’s not your fault. Abusers will try to make you believe it’s your fault. You brought it on yourself. You should behave differently. You shouldn’t anger him.

The truth is that it is not your fault! You didn’t cause him (or her) to behave this way. Your behavior is not the problem. Even if you did do something wrong, you aren’t responsible for his (her) behavior. We all must choose how we respond when life happens, and abusers choose their abusive behavior.

Many abusers learned their ways from childhood fraught with similar behaviors. Maybe their fathers were harsh and critical. Maybe they crossed that line from discipline to abuse. Maybe they never learned healthy coping mechanisms. Maybe they just simply think they are entitled to their way. I don’t know why they behave the way they do, but I can guarantee it’s not your fault.

No type of domestic abuse is acceptable. Domestic abuse takes many forms. Does he (she) control the money? Decide when and where you can spend? That’s mental and financial abuse. Or maybe he doesn’t like your friends. Wants to keep you away from family. That’s an attempt to isolate you from your support system. It’s known as emotional abuse. Does he call you names? Yell at you? Curse at you? That’s verbal abuse. Does he use scripture to manipulate you? Does he use scripture as a way of forcing you to behave a certain way? That’s spiritual, mental, and emotional abuse.

Don’t even get me started on the pushing, poking, hitting. Or the unwanted sexual advances. Any type of sexual activity should be mutually consensual. If it makes you uncomfortable, you should feel safe saying no and that should be the end of it.

Sometimes, it’s even more subtle. You can’t quite pinpoint what’s off but you know something isn’t right. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells all the time, careful not to upset the situation. Maybe you are more of a servant than you are a partner, there only to meet his every want. Maybe you feel like you are going crazy–and he helps you believe that is the truth.

If any of this sounds familiar, you need to see the red flags waving! None of this is ok. It’s all abuse. And even if it’s not physical yet, there’s a good chance it could escalate.

You deserve so much more. Has he (she) led you to believe you aren’t worthy of any more? I can’t even tell you how many times I was made to feel that I didn’t deserve any more than I had–a lying, cheating husband. It was perfectly clear that if I left him, I wouldn’t find anything better than what I already had.

Oh, my friends! Don’t buy those lies! You are a masterpiece–God’s masterpiece–created for so much more (Ephesians 2:10). You are a chosen child of the King of kings (1 Peter 2:9). You are worthy, my friend! You deserve to be treated with the utmost respect, with kindness and gentleness. You deserve to be protected–mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Don’t settle. I know dating is hard. It’s hard to weed out the losers from those who are quality guys. It’s even harder when you are in your 40s and dealing with people who are single because they’ve been hurt deeply or have hurt others deeply.

But, don’t settle. There are amazing men (and women) out there who have done the hard work of getting close to God, of learning to cope with life. There are amazing people out there who will handle your heart with care. There are people out there who will love you as Christ loved the church.

There’s no hurry. It’s better to be single and safe than to jump. into a relationship that damages you forever–or worse. Hold out and hold on to God until He sees fit to bring someone along who will love you fully and completely.

Friends, please, please, please. I beg you with all my heart. Please don’t ignore the red flags. Please don’t overlook the warning signs that something is off. Please don’t allow yourself to get into a situation with someone who will do to you what happened to my friend Jordan.