Just Leave

Throughout my years of writing about divorce, I have advocated for men and women who have found themselves in toxic and destructive marriages. Since I write from a Christian perspective, I often find people holding to the sanctity of marriage.

I have no problem with that. I am a firm believer in one man, one woman, for life. That is God’s perfect plan. However, we live in a fallen world where sin abounds–and it seems to abound more and more with every passing day. Unfortunately, that also translates to the world of marriage.

More times than I care to admit, the marriages I encounter are comprised of two people–one of who is desperate to follow God, to hold the marriage together at all costs, and one who is determined to live life his/her way with no regard to the pain and damage he/she inflicts on other members of the family.

More times than I care to see, I hear the untold stories of what truly goes on behind closed doors–stories of verbal, emotional, sexual, and spiritual abuse.

While I am sure many Christians are well-meaning in their thoughts and words, they often don’t understand what they have never lived, never experienced. They often say things such as, “If it is abusive, he/she should just leave.”

Can I tell you something?

There’s nothing easy about leaving an abusive relationship.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was murdered in a domestic situation. I have no idea what was going on behind closed doors. Anything I could say would be just my best guess based upon what I knew of her. However, she is no longer here to tell her story, to tell us what happened to leave her as yet another statistic (please know, she is far more than just a number).

As I’ve thought about this situation and some of the comments I’ve heard over the years, I wanted to take a few minutes just to share with you why victims of domestic abuse can’t just leave the relationship. There’s nothing easy about escaping from domestic abuse.

Why?

Because you don’t always recognize the abuse. In our culture, particularly the Christian culture, we do an amazing job of pointing out the permanence of the covenant of marriage, of the importance of commitment to our spouse at all costs. However, we haven’t done a great job of teaching what it looks like to love like Christ, to have a healthy marriage, to identify toxic or abusive traits.

But there’s even more. While most of us could identify physical abuse, verbal, mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse are often more subtle, more difficult to identify. You know something is off, but you can’t quite figure out what if off. You feel like you walk on eggshells all the time, never knowing what is going to set off the abuser. When you try to describe to others what is going on, it just doesn’t sound that bad.

Or, you can see so much good in your abuser that it is very well hidden, especially to the world who doesn’t live with it day in and day out. The world sees him as charismatic, funny, a great guy while you live in constant fear. The world sees a sweet, innocent woman while you live with a manipulative individual who always manages to get her way.

You don’t just leave because you don’t see the abuse for what it is.

Because you don’t believe you deserve anything better. Emotional abusers are experts at making you believe you are the problem. You always think if you just try a little harder, give a little more, love more unconditionally, things will get better.

But that is so far from the truth. We hear frequently about adults who groom children for sexual abuse. Guess what? It’s not just adults grooming children. Abusers also groom their victim spouses. They twist everything to make the victim at fault. They tear down the victim spouse, leading them to believe they are unworthy, unloveable. They are expert gaslighters, twisting circumstances to make the victim seem like the crazy one.

By the time a victim is ready to leave a relationship, their self-confidence is gone. They believe they don’t deserve any better. Their mindset is that they can’t live without their abuser.

You can’t just leave because you have become a shell of the person who entered the relationship.

Because you don’t know how to survive on you own. Ah, yes. So often, the victim has no way of supporting himself/herself. Maybe the abuser has convinced him/her to devote all of his/her energy to the home and family. There’s no career, no way of supporting oneself. Maybe the abuser has controlled the finances, and the victim has no way of accessing money to get out.

Or maybe it’s not all financial. Maybe they don’t know have any credit because everything is in the abuser’s name. Maybe they have no skills because the abuser created an environment where the victim was 100% dependent. Maybe the victim has been isolated from his/her support system. Maybe the victim is completely alone.

Walking away in these circumstances is beyond tough. Sometimes it seems absolutely impossible.

You can’t just leave because you don’t know how to survive in this cruel world.

Because you know the most dangerous time for a victim is when you leave. Oh, yes. Leaving creates a dramatic power struggle between the victim and abuser. The victim, struggling to find enough courage to take back his/her life, stands up to the abuser. The abuser begins to lose power and then starts spiraling out of control. Suddenly, the mental, emotional, verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse.

The abuser is used to getting his/her way. He/she has become accustomed to controlling. He/she begins an assault on the victim, on his/her character. He/she begins the process of garnering support from important people in the victim’s life–people like the pastor, friends, etc.

Abusers often go to great lengths to maintain control, to keep their victim from walking away. Not only is the victim in danger, but anyone who would dare help intervene can be in trouble. The process of attempting to leave is when so many victims lose everything–including their lives.

You can’t just leave because you might just lose your life.

To the victims of abuse: I just want you to know you are seen. You are loved. You are worthy of being loved with a perfect, sacrificial love. You don’t have to settle for this abuse masquerading as love. This is not God’s best for you! He loves you so much, and He has something better for you. Take a step back and see the relationship objectively. If your best friend was in this situation, would you leave him/her? If not, remember you deserve better too. Get a plan together. Confide in some very trustworthy and supportive individuals. If you sense that your abuser could become physically violent, seek help Reach out to a battered women’s shelter. Find safe places, people who can help you get away.

To the Christians who think if people are really abused they should just leave: I wish it was that easy, but it’s not. If you know someone who claims their spouse is abusive, be supportive and not judgmental. Recognize that it’s not as easy as you think it might be. Give grace to others, and thank God for grace that it’s not you.