The Dangers of People Pleasing

But Peter and the apostles replied, “We must obey God rather than any human authority. Acts 5;29

I think we all know we need to obey God. We might even acknowledge that obeying God takes precedence over obeying men, even though that can get a little dicey at times.

But have we ever really thought about how people-pleasing tendencies can affect us?

Many of us are probably people pleasers. Maybe it shows in our inability to say no to others. Or maybe you act differently around one group of people than you do another. Or maybe you live your life longing for the approval of others, an approval that boosts your ego and makes you feel better about yourself.

I’ll be honest: I’m a people pleaser. I fear upsetting others. I want peace in my relationships at all costs. Few things cause me more anxiety than feeling as if someone is upset with me. It’s my heart as a nurturer and my need for peace at all costs. But, it can cause me to become a people pleaser if I am not keenly aware of my tendencies.

Roy is also a people pleaser. He is an out-going, gregarious kind of guy that loves to be the center of attention. He loves the ego boost he gets from making other people laugh and smile. Our people-pleasing looks differently, but we are both people-pleasers. It’s our tendency, one we have to be keenly aware of if we want to be healthy adults.

I was recently reading through the book of 1 Samuel, and King Saul’s people-pleasing tendencies jumped out at me.

Then Saul admitted to Samuel, “Yes, I have sinned. I have disobeyed your instructions and the Lord’s command, for I was afraid of the people and did what they demanded. But now, please forgive my sin and come back with me so that I may worship the Lord.” 1 Samuel 15:24-25

Do you see that? King Saul had been disobedient. God had commanded him to destroy the Amalakites. Instead, he spared “everything that appealed to” him (1 Samuel 15:9). This decision was in complete opposition to God’s command.

And Saul’s actions grieved God:

Then the Lord said to Samuel,  “I am sorry that I ever made Saul king, for he has not been loyal to me and has refused to obey my command.” Samuel was so deeply moved when he heard this that he cried out to the Lord all night. (1 Samuel 15:10-11).

Saul’s people-pleasing tendencies cost him God’s favor and caused him to lose the kingdom. That’s a pretty harsh judgement on people pleasing tendencies. It’s also a reminder we might want to heed the next time we fall into people-pleasing mode.

But let’s look at another biblical people-pleaser: Aaron, Moses’s brother.

Finally, [Moses] turned to Aaron and demanded, “What did these people do to you to make you bring such terrible sin upon them?”

“Don’t get so upset, my lord,” Aaron replied. “You yourself know how evil these people are. They said to me, ‘Make us gods who will lead us. We don’t know what happened to this fellow Moses, who brought us here from the land of Egypt.’ So I told them, ‘Whoever has gold jewelry, take it off.’ When they brought it to me, I simply threw it into the fire—and out came this calf!” Exodus 32:21-24

You see, Aaron was not a strong, self-aware leader. Instead, in the heat of the moment, he became a people pleaser. The Israelites had become anxious because Moses had been gone so long. Rather than reassuring them to wait for Moses and to trust God, Aaron leapt into action. He collected all of their gold and crafted a golden calf. He chose to make the people happy rather than to stand for God.

Again, Aaron’s people-pleasing tendencies led the Israelites into sin.

None of us wants to fall into sin. We want to obey God rather than men. So how do we overcome?

Recognize your tendencies. It’s time to be honest with ourselves and with others. How do you fall into people-pleasing tendencies? I actually started writing this blog last week. Ironically, I had said yes to something that I really had no desire to take part in. Why? Because I hate saying no. Because I hate disappointing people. Because I am a people-pleaser. As my own words resonated with my soul, I had to make the decision to cancel the appointment.

Maybe for you it’s not saying yes when you should say no. Maybe it’s you seeking out the approval of others because you are searching for significance. Your people pleasing will look different from mine, but it is still people-pleasing. Maybe you are concerned about your social media numbers. Or maybe you constantly message people you shouldn’t because it makes you feel good about yourself.

I don’t know how you people-please, but take a good hard look at yourself. See where you tend to seek the approval of people. Become aware of. your own tendencies and how they affect you.

Understand your triggers. Now that we’ve identified our people-pleasing tendencies, let’s understand what causes us to fall into those situations. Maybe it’s physical exhaustion. Maybe it’s when our personal relationships are off. Maybe it’s because our hearts have been hurt and we’ve experienced trauma.

Many of us seek the approval of people because we have been rejected. Maybe it’s the rejection of a spouse, someone who was supposed to love you for better or worse. I know this pain all too well. Maybe it was those careless words spoken to you decades ago that continue to ring in your mind, that person who told you you were a nobody and would always be a nobody. Maybe you are fighting invisible demons you’ve never shared with anyone.

Can I encourage you? YOU are worthy! YOU are a child of the Most High God! YOU are greatly loved! The God of the Universe is looking down on you now, celebrating the beauty He placed in. YOU! Don’t let the lies of this world tear you down.

Know God’s grace is sufficient. His grace is not just sufficient; it is above and beyond what we could ever need! If you are people-pleasing, dig into His Word. See how great His love for you is! Know that he is always available to give you the strength to walk in obedience to Him rather than succumb to the wishes of this world.

When we are weak, He is strong.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9