When Your Faith Wavers

I have come to a realization: I don’t trust God.

I’m sure you are wondering how I could spend my entire life pointing everyone I can back to God and proclaim that I don’t trust God. It’s actually come as quite a shock to me as well.

But, that’s where I find myself today.

Let me start with this: God has been so incredibly good, so faithful to me all the days of my life. I see His hand at every turn, at every major event in my life. I have truly witnessed miracles! I recall getting a check in the mail from someone in Canada I had never met for the exact amount I needed to pay for my daughter’s braces. This woman had no idea I needed the money or how much I needed. My ex-husband had passed away suddenly, and we were all reeling. It was a little wink from God that clearly said, “I’ve got you.”

Or, I can look back and see God’s hand carefully preparing me for the tsunami that hit my life in 2009. He had called me out of my comfort zone, but I had no idea the journey He was preparing me for. But He did. He promised to do an amazing work in me so He could do an amazing work through me. And that’s exactly what He did over the years of walking through my divorce.

I look at my amazing kids and am so grateful for His hand in my life, to give me such perfectly wonderful kids who literally saved my life. Oh, the days of raising them alone were tough, but He was there at every turn. I may never truly understand all the ways He gave me the ability to navigate those days—at least not this side of heaven. But, I know I never would have survived the days without His grace.

I could go on for days about His faithfulness! I feel so incredibly blessed to have the life I have, to have had the opportunity to know my God the way I know Him.

Yet, here I sit, with incredible fear and trepidation gripping my heart.

You see, God is calling me out of my comfort zone once again. I know He does absolutely amazing work when we step out in faith, and yet my heart is weak and fearful! I hear God calling out to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9), and yet I find myself doubting He will be faithful this time around.

And this, my friend, is at the heart of our humanity.

The morning after I came to the realization I don’t trust God, I came across Mark 8 in my daily Bible reading and I felt myself chuckling. You see, the disciples were with Jesus and a large crowd had gathered around them. Jesus had compassion on the crowd because they had been there for three days and knew they had nothing left to eat. He asked the disciples to feed the crowd.

The disciples were flabbergasted. Where are we going to find enough food to feed all these people?

I could almost hear Jesus say, “What?” Do you not remember just last week? I had five small loaves of bread and two fish, and I fed over 5000 men. I even made sure each of you had a basket of leftovers for lunch the next day! Why in the world are you asking where you are supposed to get enough food to feed all these people? Is your memory that short.”

Oh, I love how God meets us right where we are! You see, I needed Him to remind me that I’m not the only one who has experienced His faithfulness and yet still struggles to trust Him! I was reminded by a friend that even Jesus struggled with obedience in the Garden of Gethsemane. I guess I’m in good company.

As I’ve reflected over my struggle with faith, I’ve been reminded to do several things:

Pray He will help my unbelief. In Mark 9, a father came to Jesus pleading for healing for his son. He asked Jesus to heal his son but added “if you can.” Jesus responded in a way that clearly reminded the father who He is, the son of God. The father came back and proclaimed, “I do believe, but help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

I find myself making the same proclamation daily. I do believe, but I need help overcoming my doubts and fears. I need God to strengthen my faith, to give me the courage to be obedient in the moment.

Remember His past faithfulness. Reflecting on God’s faithfulness in my past never fails to strengthen my faith. As I said above, He has been faithful all my life. Sometimes I just need to stop and remember all the ways He has cared for me over my 50+ years.

The Israelites were experts at reflecting on God’s past faithfulness. Dig through the Old Testament and see how they set up stones of remembrance as a reminder of God’s faithfulness. Read Miriam’s song and see how they sang about His deliverance. There’s something about reflecting on His past faithfulness that bolsters our hearts to take that step of faith.

Look at His character. Even if we can’t see His hand moving around us, we can trust He is working for our good. Why? Because that’s who our God is! He is the God that plans good things for us. He is the God that loves us enough to sacrifice His only Son for us. He is the God that understands our humanity and provided a way for us to be with Him.

If we could sum it all up, our God is a God of Love. He is love (1 John 4:8)! There is nothing in His character that would ever allow Him to fail us, to abandon us (Hebrews 13:5), to separate us from His love (Romans 8:38-39). How could that kind of God call us to something without making a way?

He can’t.

I don’t know where you are today. Maybe you feel like a failure because you don’t seem to have the faith you think you should. Take heart! You are in good company! We will stand together as we take a step forward into faith!