When You Feel Unloved

Last month, I had the joy of partnering with our church to bless over 20 single moms. We provided a dinner for the moms and kids, provided several activities for the kids, and allowed each child to pick a Christmas gift for his/her mom.

My daughter and I also had the privilege of sharing from our hearts with the moms. We took them on our own journey of being a single mom/being raised by a single mom in hopes of providing them with a little hope.

We also had the privilege of providing Christmas gifts to some of the kids with the extra money we were able to raise for the dinner. I can’t even start to explain how it filled my heart with joy to show a little love to some amazing women, women who very well may struggle with feeling unloved!

As I’ve begun my annual tradition of reading through the Bible this year, it seems the passages that talk of women who feel unloved have just jumped off the page at me!

Let’s start with Hagar. Sarai and Abram were old. Not just advanced maternal age, but old—as in 90 and 100 years old. They were well past child-bearing age, and yet God had never blessed them with children of their own.

That’s when Sarai took matters into her own hands. In the ancient biblical culture, having children was a sign of God’s blessings. If Abram were to die childless (especially without a son), he would be judged as one who was not loved by God. It would also mean God was not faithful to His promise to make Abram the father of a great nation. So, Sarai basically used her maid-servant, Hagar, as a surrogate. Abram had sexual relations with Hagar, and she became pregnant with a son, Ishmael.

As often is the case when we take matters into our own hands, Sarai actually created a mess for herself and Abram. She became jealous of Hagar and made life difficult for her. Eventually, Hagar ran away.

But God didn’t leave her alone. While she was wandering alone, God came to her. He didn’t chastise her for her contributions to the problems between her and Sarai (Genesis 16:4). Instead, He promised to give her more descendants than she could count (Genesis 16:10). She was commanded to name her son Ishmael, meaning God hears (Genesis 16:11).

After her encounter with the angel of God, Hagar referred to God as “The God who sees me” (Genesis 16:13). You see, even though Hagar was unloved in her home, God saw her pain and heard her cries. He had compassion on her and promised to give her a beautiful family.

But it doesn’t stop with Hagar. Not too much further in Genesis, we encounter the story of Rachel and Leah. Jacob had fled his father’s home after deceiving his father and brother. He arrived at his Uncle Laban’s home where he met his cousins, Rachel and Leah. He quickly fell in love with Rachel. However, Jacob’s uncle deceived Jacob into marrying his older cousin Leah. It was only after he fulfilled his requirements to Leah that he could then marry Rachel, the one he loved.

Scripture is clear that Jacob loved Rachel but Leah was unloved.

When the Lord saw that Leah was unloved… Genesis 29:31

You see, Leah’s plight did not go unnoticed by God. He knew she was in a difficult, unfair situation. And it certainly wasn’t her fault! Because she was unloved, God blessed her! He made her a mother, a mother of many sons which was culturally a sign of God’s blessings. While Rachel languished pleading for a child, Leah was birthing son after son. She assumed by giving Jacob sons, he would come to love her (Genesis 29:32-34).

I find it interesting that when Leah gave birth to her first three sons, she rejoiced that God had seen her misery and now her husband will surely love her. However, with son number four, Leah’s attention changed from her husband Jacob to God.

Once again Leah became pregnant and gave birth to another son. She named him Judah, for she said, “Now I will praise the Lord!” And then she stopped having children. Genesis 29:35

It appears that while Leah’s circumstances had not changed, her focus had. She was no longer focused on obtaining her husband’s love but instead was focused on the God who loves her.

Oh friend! Are you struggling with feeling unloved? I can relate to you! You see, fifteen years ago, I was rejected by my then-husband. He chose to walk into the arms of another woman, leaving me feeling so unloved and unlovable. I was lost, hurting, devastated. The very one who should have loved me like no other chose the path of deception and betrayal.

And yet, God saw me. He saw my pain. He wept with me over the hurt and pain. He came near to me in the depths of my devastation, providing the comfort I so desperately needed. He saw my needs—each and every one of them—and met my needs like no human ever can.

He heard me. I remember crying out to Him in my pain, begging Him to change my circumstances. I begged to Him to bring beauty out of my brokenness, to not let my pain be in vain. While circumstances didn’t change immediately, I can now look back and see clearly how He heard my prayers and answered them in His time.

He made promises to me. I will never forget the day I was running, tears running down my face every step of the way. I heard the gentle whisper of God telling me I would one day be loved as Christ loved the church, that I would have the joy of being loved by a man the way He truly intended for me to be loved. Here I am some fifteen years later blessed with a man who would truly give His life for me—or my kids.

He changed my desires from man to Him. In those early days, I was so focused on having a man to love me. Slowly, God transformed me. Just as Leah’s focus changed from earning Jacob’s love to simply praising God for the blessings in her life, God changed my focus. I learned to put my trust in Him, to focus my heart and mind on Him so He could keep me in perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3). I will never be the same!

Maybe you are in a place where you feel unloved. Maybe you are struggling in your marriage or other relationships. Maybe you feel like God has forgotten you, like He doesn’t see you or hear you. Can I just encourage you with us?

God sees you.

God hears you.

He promises to be with you.

He promises to transform you and your life.

He only asks that we stop and surrender to His plan for our lives.

If you need help knowing what that surrender looks like, please let me know. I would love to walk alongside you as you seek to know the God who sees and hears you in this new year.