When Obedience Hurts

Have you ever struggled to understand God’s ways?

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so my ways are higher than your ways
    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

As humans, we can never truly understand God’s ways. There will always be mystery. Often, the Holy Spirit begins to illuminate truths to us as we dig into scripture. Sometimes it gives perfect clarity, and sometimes it just lets us rest in peace.

And that’s exactly what happened to me this week.

When I married my ex-husband over 30 years ago, I was completely convinced I was following God’s will. I can’t even start to tell you all the ways God confirmed the decision. Even more than 15 years after our divorce, I am still completely convinced I walked in obedience to God.

I can honestly say my ex-husband was one of the most gifted communicators of the gospel this earth has ever seen. He had the ability to change the world! Unfortunately, he struggled with his faith, with fear, with surrender. I believe there could have been some underlying undiagnosed issues, but his heart was in the right place when we married.

Probably the one thing I still do not understand is why God would call me to marry a man He knew would one day choose his own stubborn, self-centered ways over the ways of God. How could God call me to marry someone who would betray me in such a deeply intimate way? Why did I have to experience the deep pain and years of suffering for being obedient? Why would God want me to marry him if He knew his heart would become hardened?

These are questions I have contemplated for years, questions for which I still don’t have answers. Yes, I know I have these three perfectly amazing children who carry some of their dad’s best qualities. I know they have an incredible mix of DNA that could only come from the relationship God ordained. But, there are still questions as to why my children and I had to suffer the pain and devastation we did.

As I read through the Bible (as is my habit each year), I happened across the story of Saul being chosen as the first official king of Israel. When Samuel anointed Saul, here’s what scripture says:

And I am here to tell you that you and your family are the focus of all Israel’s hopes. 1 Samuel 9:20

According to Samuel, Saul was the hope of Israel. He would be the one to establish their kingdom. He would be the one to lead them against the enemies.

Then Samuel took a flask of olive oil and poured it over Saul’s head. He kissed Saul and said, “I am doing this because the Lord has appointed you to be the ruler over Israel, his special possession. 1 Samuel 10:1

God saw something in Saul’s life and heart that led Him to choose Saul as king. Samuel didn’t choose Saul; God appointed Saul to be the ruler over His chosen people.

As Saul turned and started to leave, God gave him a new heart, and all Samuel’s signs were fulfilled that day. When Saul and his servant arrived at Gibeah, they saw a group of prophets coming toward them. Then the Spirit of God came powerfully upon Saul, and he, too, began to prophesy. When those who knew Saul heard about it, they exclaimed, “What? Is even Saul a prophet? How did the son of Kish become a prophet?” 1 Samuel 10:9-11

God gave Saul a new heart and allowed the Spirit to rest upon Him! There’s a clear indication Saul was the chosen leader of Israel. His heart was in the right place, and he was the man chosen and appointed by God.

So what does that have to do with my ex-husband? Just as Saul was chosen by God to be the king of Israel, I truly believe my ex-husband was chosen by God—to be a minister of the gospel and to be my husband. However, just as Saul did not live out his calling, my ex-husband made decisions that led him away from the anointing God placed on him.

As we continue through the life of Saul, we see he has some mighty victories in the name of God! He defeats the Ammonites (1 Samuel 11). But then, he begins a descent into sin.

“How foolish!” Samuel exclaimed. “You have not kept the command the Lord your God gave you. Had you kept it, the Lord would have established your kingdom over Israel forever. But now your kingdom must end, for the Lord has sought out a man after his own heart. The Lord has already appointed him to be the leader of his people, because you have not kept the Lord’s command.” 1 Samuel 13:13-14

As we study the life of King Saul, it started with his impatience. Samuel didn’t arrive in what Saul thought was a timely manner, so he offered the burnt offering in Samuel’s place—a job reserved for the Israelite priests. This act was displeasing to God. Then, Saul began to make rash decisions that could have cost him the life of his son, Jonathan. In 1 Samuel 15, we see Saul begin to lie and cheat, and we see the monster of greed exposed.

Then the Lord said to Samuel, “I am sorry that I ever made Saul king, for he has not been loyal to me and has refused to obey my command.” 1 Samuel 15:10-11

Saul began a rapid descent into sin. Rather than relying on God, he wanted the people to worship him. He set up monuments to himself, and he began to look just like the kings around him rather than one set aside for God’s purposes.

And it grieved God’s heart.

You see, I think the story is similar to that of my ex-husband. God planted something amazing within him, a gift the world needed. However, just as Saul chose to blend in with the world instead of remaining pure, my ex-husband chose a path contrary to God’s plans. I may never understand the why (other than human nature), but I can rest assured that I am not the only person to suffer consequences of someone else’s actions. You see, the entire nation of Israel suffered because of King Saul’s choices. The nation of Israel was spared only because of God’s great grace and mercy upon them.

In this world, we will have many trials, but we can rest assured that He has overcome the world! (John 16:33) Following God’s will is not a recipe for an easy life, but it is a guarantee for a life of victory! That life of victory may not look the way we think it should, but we can hold on for a ride that brings redemption and victory!

Just don’t let go of Him!